Fic: All The Promises We Break (1/2)
Dec. 7th, 2005 03:18 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jule1122Title: All The Promises We Break (1/2)
Pairing: Viggo/Orlando
Summary: Can what was lost be found again?
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: None
Beta: The amazing and wonderful![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
miss_ariel
Credit: Title taken from the lovely U2 song “All I Want Is You.”
Author’s Notes: Takes place in approximately 2010.
Since this is my journal, I'm going to do something I try to avoid, shamelessy begging for feedback. I usually hate everything I write, but I actually like this story. It took a long time to write, and I came very close to giving up. But I finished it, and I a bit proud of myself for that. But that's not why I'm asking for feedback. My sons are sick so my days have been filled with fevers, puke, and snot. Feedback would be a welcome diversion.
Billy and Dom hugged him tightly, and Orlando felt some of the apprehension that had been building since Dom’s phone call dissipate. Given a chance, he would have come up with an excuse to avoid seeing them, but Dom hadn’t asked. Orlando had returned from a meeting with his agent to the following message on his machine, “Hey Orli, it’s Dom. We heard you were in town for a while. I’m here visiting Bill who has the weekend off from rehearsal so we’ll be at your place around seven. We’ll bring the movies. You are responsible for food and more importantly booze. See you then.”
He hadn’t even left a number where Orlando could reach him. Maybe he realized Orlando would have begged off. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to see Billy and Dom; it was just awkward. He felt awkward. The more his life had changed after Rings, the less he felt like the person he’d been in New Zealand. Orlando didn’t always recognize the person he’d become, and he was afraid his friends would see that as well. So he kept his distance. It had been easy the last few years since he started spending what little free time he had in England. He still ran into Bean and Ian on occasion, but Bean was happy with an evening spent drinking in a dark pub, and he’d always been nervous around Ian so it was easy to fool them into thinking nothing had changed.
“It’s good to see you Orli. How’ve you been?” Billy asked once they pulled apart and followed Orlando into the house.
“Yeah man, it’s been too long. We’ve missed you hanging out and surfing with us.” Dom added.
“I know,” Orlando blushed a bit. It had been at least six months since he saw Billy and he hadn’t seen Dom in almost two years. They had both come to him for those visits. “I’m just shit at keeping in touch.” Billy and Dom exchanged a look, but let the lie pass. There was a time when Orlando had been almost obsessive about keeping in touch with everyone, but that was years ago.
“We held up our end of the bargain. I hope you haven’t let us down in the alcohol department,” Billy said setting DVD boxes out on the coffee table.
“You brought the extended editions,” Orlando said in disbelief. “I haven’t seen those since Elijah’s pre bachelor party party. What was that, three years ago?” That was the last time the entire Fellowship had been together. The last time he had seen Viggo.
“It’s tradition Orlando. You can’t mess with tradition,” Dom said trying to sound serious.
He was right; it was a tradition started by the Hobbits. Whenever members of the Fellowship got together, they watched all three Rings movies. They had found over the years that it was impossible to watch the trilogy with anyone who hadn’t been part of filming. There were too many jokes, too many experiences that just didn’t translate. So they watched together, creating their own not suitable for public commentaries each time. At Elijah’s party the comments had shifted from rude and sarcastic to wistful and nostalgic. The passage of time weighed on all of them. They also made allowances for each other. Orlando knew Billy and Dom would pretend he didn’t cry from the time Aragorn fell off the cliff until sometime after Helm’s Deep ended. And he would ignore the way they clung to each other when Merry and Pippin were separated and later reunited.
“I take you’re planning to stay a while.”
“Just try and get rid of us. As long as there’s food and drink we’re happy. True Hobbits we are. Speaking of which. . .” Billy lifted his eyebrows suggestively.
“I get the hint. Time to eat.” Orlando led them to the kitchen where a ton of food was already set out. They spent the next hour eating and catching up on each other’s lives. The conversation was light and humorous. Orlando was completely at ease by the time the loaded their arms with alcohol and snacks and headed to the living room.
Dom grabbed a bear and flung himself into the recliner. “You’re in charge of the movies Bills so get to it.”
“Lazy bastard isn’t he,” Billy joked as he got the first disc ready. Once it started, he picked up two beers and joined Orlando on the couch.
The movie began and they all fell silent for a moment. Orlando wasn’t sure he’d ever noticed that the prologue began during the opening credits, but the opening Elvish caught his attention in a way it hadn’t before. “Much that once was is lost. For none now live that remember it.” Orlando froze when he heard those words. He leaned forward, but relaxed again when the narrative shifted to rings and battles. Then he would swear that Cate, or more accurately Galadriel, spoke directly to him. “Some things that should not have been forgotten were lost. History became legend. Legend became myth.”
The prologue ended, and Orlando let out the breath he’d been holding. He tried to concentrate on the movie, but he couldn’t shake the feeling there had been a message in those words for him. Had he forgotten? He’d let it all slip away from him. He hadn’t even reached out; he’d just let go. Memories he never let himself think about crowded his mind. The sense of loss was crushing, sharp and immediate in a way it hadn’t been at the time. Was he the only one who remembered? Would it all fade into nothing?
It was the silence that finally caught his attention. He blinked and saw the screen was prompting them to put in the next disc. He waited a moment and realized Billy wasn’t moving. He set down the beer he’d never touched and turned to his friends. They were both staring at him obviously concerned.
“Are you all right?” Billy asked laying a gentle hand on Orlando’s shoulder.
Orlando smiled at his friends more to reassure them then anything else. He didn’t have a real answer to that question instead he decided to start telling the truth. “Did you know Viggo and I were together during filming?”
An uncomfortable look passed between Dom and Billy before Dom answered, “We knew Orli. Everyone knew.”
“No one ever said anything.” Orlando figured some of their friends had to suspect, but he never imagined they all knew.
Dom shrugged, “You two obviously wanted it to be a secret so it was.”
“That was Viggo’s idea. It was my first big role; he was afraid if people found out about us I’d get some sort of reputation. He was very protective of me. It was actually fun at first trying to hide it.” Orlando smiled as he thought of some of the crazy things they had done to keep anyone from catching on. It felt good to finally share this.
“At first?” Billy asked picking up on Orlando’s qualification.
“It got harder after a while. Kept us apart more than it let us be together. You know how it is.”
“When did you guys split, if you don’t mind my asking? We could never figure that out, but it was obvious at Elijah’s that you weren’t together anymore.”
Orlando knew any speculation about his relationship with Viggo had been out of concern and friendship not maliciousness so he didn’t mind answering Dom’s question. “It’s been almost six years now. The year we were coming to your place for Thanksgiving, Dom. It was right before that.”
“So that’s why you didn’t show. I always wondered. I’m sorry Orli.”
It seemed weird to be receiving sympathy so many years later. “It was a long time ago. Now let’s get the movie started again. We’re finally getting to all the elf action.” Orlando didn’t want the night to get dragged down in sorrow. It was time to move on.
“Elves, who cares about the bloody elves. We all know the Hobbits are the emotional center of the movie. Right, Dom?” Billy joked resurrecting an old argument as he moved to change the discs.
“Oh no, there will be no ganging up on the elf.” Orlando laughed and threw some popcorn at Billy glad to have the mood lightened again.
Billy and Dom ended up staying for the weekend. They had spent the time making fun of bad movies, drinking and laughing. It was almost like being in New Zealand again, and Orlando couldn’t remember when he’d been happier. They were all reluctant to part once Monday morning came around.
“We’ll see you soon. No more hiding Orli,” Dom said as they headed to the car.
“Thank you both for staying. And I’ll make at least one performance Billy. I promise.” Orlando stood in the doorway and waved them off. He walked back into the house noticing immediately how quiet it was. But he still felt less alone then he had in a long time.
A few days later, Orlando was still trying to shake Galadriel’s words. The more he thought about them the more they seemed like a warning. But he wondered if it was already too late. The hardest part of keeping his relationship with Viggo a secret had been having no one to share it with. He’d never been able to tell his friends how happy he was or how amazing it was to fall in love. There was no one he could gossip with about Viggo’s odd habits or the romantic things they did together. And there had been no one to comfort him when it was over.
It was as if their relationship existed only between the two of them, and somehow when they ended it, they managed to erase it as well. Sometimes Orlando thought he’d imagined the whole thing. He could remember every second he spent with Viggo, but the memories were distant now. They felt more like dreams than memories. The kind of dreams you woke up from convinced they were real. The problem was there was only one person he could ask. And after six years of silence he couldn’t imagine calling Viggo to ask him if they’d really been lovers. Of course, maybe there was another way.
“Hey Dad, you got something in the mail.”
Viggo didn’t look up from the pile of photographs he was sorting when he heard Henry enter.
“Who is it from?” He hated the idea of his personal mail going through an agency so his friends used his home address. Generally all he got were postcards, invitations, and an occasional article someone thought he should read.
“The postmark is from England so Bean I guess,” Henry answered.
“No he’s on location somewhere. Egypt I think or maybe Canada.”
“Dad, those aren’t even close.”
Viggo laughed at the exasperation in his son’s voice. “Cairo or Calgary, one of those places.”
“You really need to pay more attention to stuff. It’s amazing you’ve survived as long as you have. Well, there’s no return address so I’m not sure who it’s from.”
“Just leave on the table. I’ll get to it later. If I don’t finish going through these pictures, the book will never get done.” Viggo turned back to his work forgetting about the mail as soon as Henry left the room.
“You forgot to open this.” Those were the first words out of Henry’s mouth when Viggo joined him for breakfast the next morning. He shoved an envelope across the table toward his father.
“Since when do you care if I open my mail or not?” Viggo stirred his coffee and regarded his son with amusement. Normally Henry was too absorbed in his own life to pay much attention to his father’s.
Henry rolled his eyes. “It looks important. And if I left it up to you, it would sit on the table for a month and then get lost in a pile of newspapers.”
Viggo made a face at Henry, but picked up the envelope. The paper felt heavy and expensive. He could understand why Henry thought it was important. He flipped it over and ran his fingers over the handwritten address. He knew immediately who it was from. He didn’t want to open it. Part of him wanted to forget he ever saw it and part of him wanted to bring it to his nose and see if he could smell Orlando on it. With Henry watching him expectantly across the table, he could do neither. Instead he carefully slid his finger under the flap of the envelope and pulled out the paper covered in dark scrawl he’d have no hope of deciphering if he wasn’t already experienced in reading Orlando’s handwriting.
Dear Viggo,
I know this is going to sound crazy, but neither of us ever had much of a claim to sanity. I’ve been thinking about us a lot lately. And I’m starting to wonder if it really happened or if it was all a dream, a fantasy I can’t let go of. Sounds completely daft I know. I couldn’t have imagined all of it. I still have pictures of us even though I haven’t looked at them in years. I guess I want to know that I’m not alone in my memories. There is no one I can turn to but you. I hope you will forgive me.
Do you remember the night we got together. It was just after Henry’s first visit.
Viggo stopped reading. He couldn’t keep going, not now and certainly not in front of Henry. He held on to the letter and scanned it long enough to convince Henry he’d read it while he was really trying to regain his composure. When enough time had passed, he refolded the paper and placed it back in the envelope. Without realizing it, he kept his hand on the envelope.
“So who is it from?” Henry asked.
“Orlando,” Viggo answered trying desperately to sound causal.
“Orli, wow. I didn’t know you guys kept in touch.” Henry sounded happy about that idea, but then he’d always liked Orlando.
“We don’t. I haven’t heard from him in years.”
“What did he want? Is he okay?”
“Yeah, he’s fine.” At least Viggo hoped he was. “He just had a question about something that happened while we were together.”
“Did Orli do something Dad? Is that why you guys broke up, why you never talk to him?”
Viggo sighed. He wasn’t surprised by Henry’s questions. Henry hadn’t been living with Viggo at the time. When he came back, all Viggo told him was that he and Orlando were no longer together and Orlando wouldn’t be coming back. It wasn’t unusual for Viggo to remain close to his ex-lovers so Henry had to wonder why it was different with Orlando. That was the one thing Viggo regretted about getting involved with Orlando. He always thought they’d be able to remain friends no matter what happened. He couldn’t have been more wrong.
“No he didn’t do anything neither did I. We just drifted apart. You remember when you
graduated from high school, and you told me about how some of your friends had bought their girlfriends promise rings before they went to college. And then all of them had broken up before Christmas. It was like that. Once Rings was really over we just didn’t have anything in common any more. Our lives were too different.” Viggo realized how pathetic it sounded when he said it out loud. It made their relationship seem shallow and disposable. Apparently Henry agreed.
“That is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard. Nothing in common. How about love?” Henry snorted in disbelief.
“Henry,” Viggo warned. He wasn’t going to dissect his relationships with his son.
“I know it’s none of my business. I have to go or I’ll be late.” Henry grabbed his keys and walked out still shaking his head over Viggo’s explanation.
With Henry gone, Viggo headed back to his studio. He still had a lot of work to do; there was no time for whatever insane trip down memory lane Orlando had in mind. He couldn’t say how the letter from Orlando ended up on top the stack of pictures he intended to sort or how he spent two hours in his studio without looking at a single picture.
Orlando wasn’t sure what response, if any, he expected from Viggo. He was even less sure of what response he wanted. But two weeks after he mailed the letter, he was most certainly not expecting to hear Viggo’s voice when he checked his messages. He knew immediately why he’d never changed his cell phone number. Orlando felt at once both ridiculous and grateful. Viggo told him once he’d always keep his house in California even if he was no longer living there. He wanted Henry to always have somewhere to come home to. He wanted his son to have on constant in a life made complicated by his parents’ careers. That’s how Orlando had known where to contact Viggo. Without admitting to himself, Orlando had left a constant for Viggo. A way for Viggo to find him if he ever wanted to.
“Orlando, I got your letter.” A sigh followed by a long pause. “I’m not sure what. . .” Another pause, but Orlando was used to bits of silence from Viggo. “It was real Orlando, but you know that. It happened just like you remembered only, well I was never quite the man you imagined me to be. It’s okay to look at the pictures. I do sometimes. But Orlando, two people sharing a dream doesn’t make it any less of a dream. Be well.”
He played the message over and over again until the tears stopped. Orlando couldn’t say what he was crying for. Perhaps it was the shock of hearing his name from Viggo for the first time in years. While they were together, Viggo always called him Orlando; he only used Orli when he was teasing. Viggo had only called him Orli when they were at Elijah’s. Maybe it was the sadness in Viggo’s voice when he wished Orlando well or it was the doubts Viggo seemed to have despite his assurances to Orlando that what they had was real. He wasn’t sure how comforting Viggo meant to be by telling him he’d shared a dream with a man he mostly imagined.
Contacting Viggo had been a mistake. He was doing nothing but hurting both of them. But maybe he needed to hurt. Orlando had been numb for so long it was relief to feel anything. The memories themselves were good; it was the loss of them that made him ache. As much as he wanted to leave Viggo out of this, he was already composing the next letter in his head.
Viggo was in the backyard trying to decide just how urgent the weeding was when Henry interrupted him.
“You got another letter from Orli.” Henry dropped the envelope into his lap. “And you will never guess what I got in the mail.”
“Could it be that diploma you’ve been promising me for the last few years?” It was said a jest, a familiar joke, but Viggo couldn’t help hoping Henry would choose a major and stick with it long enough to actually graduate.
“Sorry Dad, not this year. I got an invitation to David’s wedding. You remember David don’t you? He’s marrying Ariel. You might have met her once or twice. They started dating in high school.”
Viggo closed his eyes and tried to ignore the emphasis Henry placed on the last two words. “You’re not funny.”
“Actually I’m hilarious, everyone says so. But I’m not trying to be funny. See for yourself.” He waved the glossy white engraved invitation in front of Viggo’s face.
“How nice for David. Please offer my congratulations both on his engagement and his ability to finish school in a timely fashion.”
“Haha, you’re funny too Dad. I must have inherited it from you. I imagine he’s happy to be back in the same state as Ariel, but what’s a little distance when you’re in love. Right?”
Henry ran back into the house before Viggo could respond. Viggo was thankful because he didn’t have anything to say, and he wasn’t in the mood for Henry’s criticism. He sat turning the letter over and over in his hands before finally working up the courage to open it.
Dear Viggo,
I hope you know I’m not trying to hurt you or work my way back into your life. I need your help with this, and then I promise to leave you alone. It’s just when we broke up, I had to keep going as if it never happened. As far as everyone else was concerned, nothing had happened. I couldn’t be upset over ending a relationship that never existed. So the only way I could handle it was to forget all of it. I don’t want to do that. I don’t the one time I was truly loved to be erased from my history. What is that they say about not being able to go forward until you look back? I guess I’m finally looking back and letting myself mourn for what I lost. Six years too late I know. How pathetic is that? I hope you understand.
Do you remember the night you told me you loved me for the first time? It was the happiest night of my life. I’d never felt anything like it. Still haven’t. I had told you that first night, but it was a few weeks before you said it to me. Sometimes I felt like I was dragging you along with me. Like I’d caught you in a vulnerable moment and just never let go. Anyway, back to that night. Of course you couldn’t just tell me like a normal person.
Viggo folded up the letter and went back into the house. He walked past Henry without saying a word just shaking his head when Henry tried to stop him. On the way to his studio, he stopped and left the letter in his bedroom. He would finish it at night when the house was dark and quiet and he could mourn with Orlando.
“You’re awfully quiet tonight Orli.”
Orlando looked up at the sound of Sean’s voice. “Sorry, don’t mean to be such bad company.” They were meeting for dinner before going to see Billy’s play. Orlando had already seen it twice, but wanted to catch it one more time before he left for a publicity tour. Bean had just returned from filming so Orlando had invited him along.
“You’re not bad company. I just wondered if something was wrong. It was a bit of a surprise to hear from you.” He looked at Orlando closely until Orlando averted his eyes.
Sean, like most of Orlando’s friends, had become accustomed to seeking Orlando out. He must have been shocked to have Orlando finally issuing an invitation. But now that they were here, Orlando felt uncomfortable. He knew what he wanted to ask, but he wasn’t sure how to broach the subject. “Do you ever look at your life and wonder how you fucked it all up so badly?”
“All the time, why?”
Orlando shook his head irritated with himself. That wasn’t what he’d intended to say. “Have you seen Viggo lately?”
“Not in person, but he called me the other day. Asked me if I liked the pyramids,” Sean laughed.
“I thought you were filming in Columbia?” Orlando frowned in confusion.
“I was. Viggo thought I was in Cairo, said he knew it started with a ‘C’. So this is about
Viggo?” Sean asked carefully.
“I know you know so you don’t have to pretend to be confused.” The look of relief on Sean’s face was so comical Orlando couldn’t help but smile. “How is he?”
“He’s good in general, but he’s lonely. He’s been lonely ever since you two split.”
“Sean, it’s been six years. I’m past the point of wanting to Viggo to be miserable without me. I want him to be happy. I know he’s had other relationships.”
Sean snorted, “I wouldn’t exactly call them relationships. You have a better chance of finding love with one of those pretty girls you parade around them he ever did with anyone he’s dated in the last five years.”
“I don’t understand.” Orlando had never been able to stop himself from seeking out information about Viggo’s other relationships. He was curious even though seeing the pictures always hurt especially when Viggo publicly dated a man for the first time a few years back. Viggo always looked happy and content to him.
“You’ve never met any of them so it’s hard to explain, but Viggo’s been careful about who he dates. Sure he likes them well enough, but he hasn’t loved any of them, not like he loved you. They get a long; they have a good time, but they can’t hurt him. They’re safe.” Sean shrugged.
“I think you’re confusing safe with acceptable.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Come on, think about it Sean. I haven’t really spoken to Viggo since we broke up, but even I know who he’s dated. He’s not flaunting it, but there are pictures, he talks about them. He doesn’t have to hide them like he did me. They’re people he can respect, be proud to be with.”
“Orlando, surely you don’t think. . .” Sean leaned across the table and grabbed Orlando’s hand.
“I’m not blaming him. Even before Rings, but especially after, what was Viggo known for- integrity, intelligence, being above all the Hollywood bullshit. How would it have looked if people knew about us? What was I known for? Being young, a little wild, and a lot lucky. No one thought of me as an actor then, just someone who knew how to stand around and look good. I would have looked like his mid life crisis only a gay one. It would have been a big joke. I’m sure you guys thought that at times.”
“You listen to me,” Sean surprised Orlando with the fierceness in his voice. “You relationship may have been the best worst kept secret in New Zealand, but it wasn’t a joke. No one laughed not even once. If anything, we were all jealous. How do you think we knew? You didn’t have to say anything it was just obvious. Viggo loved you. Don’t you ever doubt that.”
Orlando sank back in the booth and rubbed his eyes. “I don’t Sean not really. I can’t stop thinking about us lately. And I’m trying to figure out what went wrong. None of it makes any bloody sense to me anymore, but there has to be a reason, you know. Or I really fucked up.”
“You know sometimes one of my ex-wives will look at me a certain way or there will be something in her voice that makes me remember why I loved her. Then I start thinking about all the good times we had together, and I convince myself she was the one, and I screwed up my one chance at love.”
“Yeah, so what do you do?”
“Usually about that time she starts nagging me for more money or rambling on about how her new husband needs to do more work around the house. That’s when I remember why I divorced her in the first place,” Sean laughed. “Come on Orli, if we hurry we can catch Billy before the first act.”
It was late when Orlando finally got home a little bit tipsy and very tired. As he was locking up he remembered he’d never turned his cell phone back on. He hit the button to play his one message on his way up the stairs.
“Orlando, I hope this is helping you. I hope you are healing. It has been so easy to forget what happened between us certainly less painful than remembering. But we can only pretend for so long. The memories are there just waiting for us to look at them. Please remember it the way it was. You never took me anywhere I didn’t want to go. I may have guarded my feelings more than you did. You were so open, so generous with your love. You seemed to surround me with it. What a joy it was to feel that. But my feelings ran no less deep than yours. I hope you find that again.”
Slumped on the staircase his back resting against the wall, Orlando listened to the message over and over again until his battery ran dead.
Viggo heard the front door open just as he took the chicken out of the oven. “Hey Dom, you’re just in time. Dinner’s almost ready.”
“Thank God, I haven’t had any decent food since I left London yesterday,” Dom said as he entered the kitchen.
“There’s nothing worse than airline food.” Viggo wrinkled his nose then embraced his friend quickly. “You know where everything is so make yourself at home while I finish up here.”
“Thanks mate, I won’t be long.” Dom picked his bag back up on his way out.
Viggo busied himself with last minute prep while Dom freshened up. He would be spending a few days with Viggo before returning to Hawaii to film the final season of Lost. Over the years he’d found stopping in California for a few days lessened the jet lag that came with traveling between Europe and Hawaii. He usually stayed with Viggo or the Astins.
“So how do you feel about the show ending?” Viggo asked once Dom returned and the food and wine were on the table.
“Pretty good actually. I’ll miss everyone of course, but I think it’s time. We have to get off the bloody island eventually. It will be nice to have a more flexible schedule. I’m keeping the house though so we’ll still have a place for surfing.”
“As long as you have your priorities straight,” Viggo laughed. He’d continue to leave the surfing to the Hobbits having learned his lesson years ago, but Dom’s house was a great vacation spot. “How is the play going for Billy?”
“Great, he’s amazing as usual,” Dom smiled his whole face softening.
“I wish I could have made it over, but there was just no way.”
“Bill understands don’t worry about it.” Dom waved his hand is dismissal. “Elijah and Sean are bringing their families over for the last week. Bean and Ian both made a performance. And Orli was there three or four times.”
“Billy must appreciate all the support,” Viggo said quietly. As he had the last few years, he carefully avoided Dom’s mention of Orlando.
“We spent a lot of time with Orli.” Once it was clear Viggo wasn’t going to respond Dom continued, “I always thought you would be the one to tell us. Once Orli got through the first few years without blurting it out, he got so good at keeping secrets I’m not sure he even knew how to tell the truth. But I figured at some point you’d either forget no one was supposed to know or you just wouldn’t care. Of course I also thought it would happen while you guys were still together. We all knew, and we were happy for you. It would have been nice to be able to tell you that.”
“I don’t know or understand what’s going on with Orlando right now.” Viggo paused considering his next words carefully. He wasn’t sure how to ask without giving too much away. “But I need to know that there’s nothing wrong. He’s okay isn’t he?”
“He’s not dying or in some 12 step program trying to make amends or anything if that’s what you’re asking.”
“Good,” what else was there to say really? They sat silent long enough for Viggo to think about offering coffee before Dom spoke again.
“I think he was just tired of hiding at least from his friends. It’s hard to maintain friendships when you have to think about every word that comes out of your mouth when you have to keep up the same pretenses in private that you do in public. It explains a lot about the last few years.”
Viggo looked at Dom quizzically but didn’t ask any of the questions he longed to, didn’t seek the assurances he hadn’t realized he wanted. He suddenly needed to know how Orlando had been, what had happened to him since they split up, but he wasn’t ready to reveal that.
“You wouldn’t know this, but Orli started avoiding us. We didn’t know why at the time, but it was right after you broke up. When we would track him down, he was distant and evasive. Here he was trying to pretend nothing had changed, still trying to keep your secret. How was he supposed to hide that kind of pain? What were you thinking, Viggo, asking that of him. You had to know the secrecy would suffocate you eventually. You had to know.” Dom leaned across the table his expression a mix of accusation and pleading for explanation.
“It wasn’t like that Dom. I don’t understand what you’re asking,” Viggo shook his head in confusion. He felt like he hadn’t been able see anything clearly since Orlando’s first letter arrived.
“I understand hiding from the press really I do. I’m the last person to advocate making your private life public. It was the right decision for your career and most certainly for his. But why hide it from us? Maybe at first, I mean there was no point in taking a chance of on set tension on something that might of burned itself out after a few weeks. But years Viggo, you were with him for years. We’ve met your other lovers. You introduced them to us; you touched them, kissed them in front of us. What was different about Orli? Did you think people would look at the two of you and wonder what you were doing with him? Were you worried people would think the wise and noble Viggo Mortensen had fallen for a pretty face and a tight ass?”
Viggo stood up in anger, “That’s enough! I won’t listen to this. How could you think that?”
“I don’t know what I think. I saw the way you looked at him; I know you loved him. But it doesn’t matter what I think. What matters is what Orli thinks.”
“He couldn’t think that. Did Orlando tell you this was how he felt?” Viggo sat down heavily sickened by the thought that Orlando could ever believe he was ashamed of him.
“Orli talked to Bean who talked to me,” Dom shrugged somewhat apologetically. “I’m not sure how much of it Orli really meant. Bean said he seemed to be trying to figure out what went wrong between the two of you and didn’t know what to think.”
“There are things I would change, do differently if I could, but I can’t imagine I ever did anything to make Orlando think I felt that way about him.”
Dom held up a hand, “You don’t need to explain yourself to me Viggo. I guess it must be strange going back over this after so long, but it seems like you and Orli just tried to pretend it never happened. Maybe if you deal with it now, you can at least get your friendship back. Anyway, I’m bloody beat so I’m going to turn in, give you some time. No hard feelings?”
Viggo shook his head and gave Dom a small smile as he wished him goodnight. He did need time, time to think and maybe to remember. He had a feeling it would be a long time before he made his way to bed.
Dom didn’t seem surprised to find Viggo in basically the same place he’d left him the night before. He just waved an acknowledgment in Viggo’s direction on his way to the kitchen returning a few minutes later with coffee for both of them. “What I said last night, Viggo, about Orli, that was out f line. It’s none of my business, and I really am sorry.”
Viggo accepted the coffee gratefully, but declined the apology. “Orlando’s your friend and you’re worried about him. It’s good that you want to look out for him.”
“I guess I feel like I let him, well both of you really, down. We should have let on that we knew, we should have let you know you didn’t have to hide from us. And once we figured out it was over, we should have been there for you guys instead of pretending right along with you. But it went on for so long none of us knew how to change things.”
“We put all of you in an awkward position. It was insane to think no one would notice. But after a while it was all we knew. After the first year, I don’t think we even talked about telling anyone. The secrecy was no longer a decision; it was just the way we lived,” Viggo paused shaking his head. The more he talked about his relationship with Orlando the more he realized how they had sabotaged it themselves. And how stupid all their rationalizations really were. “In the beginning it was a lot like you said last night, I don’t think either of us thought it would last. So we kept it to ourselves waiting for it to burn out. And when it lasted, I can’t speak for Orlando, but I still thought it was too precious to continue. I felt like I had fallen into a love I hadn’t earned or didn’t belong to me. It seemed safer to keep it to myself as if I could protect it from harm. But love is a gift and it needs to be shared not hidden. It was my cowardice not shame that motivated me. I’ll make sure Orlando understands that, please believe me.”
“Maybe if you and Orli just talk to each other and spend some time together you can straighten all this out,” Dom ducked his head sheepishly.
“Dom are you asking,” Viggo cut off his own question. It was too out of the realm of possibility to even consider.
“Christ this is stupid. I can’t believe I even said that. I feel like some kid hoping his parents will get back together.”
“Then I guess I’ll tell you the same thing I told Henry when he was younger. Sometimes love isn’t enough. Some people aren’t meant to stay together. You can hate it all you want, but you can’t change it.”
Dom looked at him soberly, “Did Henry think that answer sucked as much as I do?”
The smile Viggo gave Dave was a little forced, but he wanted to break the tension. “He was a bit more invested in seeing his mother and I get back together so yeah he thought it sucked. That was during the first of many times he was convinced I was trying to ruin his life. The current phase began about a week ago.” That got a laugh out of Dom, and the conversation shifted to Henry’s latest adventures.
Orlando leaned forward and tapped the driver’s shoulder to get his attention, “Hey can you pull over up there?” He pointed to the next corner. “I need to throw something in the mailbox.”
The driver looked annoyed at having to change lanes in the heavy traffic, but managed to pull over close to the mailbox. Orlando jumped out as soon as the car stopped. “Thanks, I’ll just be a minute,” he said quickly shutting the door behind him.
Once he reached the mailbox, Orlando took the envelope out of his pocket. He stared at it trying to decide what to do. He should have left it at the hotel to be mailed. Now he’d had too much time to think about it. But no matter how discreet a hotel claimed to be there was always someone willing to make some quick money off their celebrity clients. Orlando couldn’t risk Viggo’s address becoming public or God forbid someone selling the letter to the tabloids. He reached his hand out, but pulled it back crushing the letter in his grip. This was his last letter to Viggo; writing it had absolutely gutted him. He hadn’t expected mailing it to hurt so much. It was like leaving Viggo all over again. He sighed, shoved the letter into the slot, and walked back to the car.
“For God’s sake what were you thinking? No don’t answer that, obviously you weren’t
thinking.”
Orlando slid into the car and look over at his companion startled by both her tone and words. He quickly realized Molly, the publicist representative that was with him for this leg of the publicity tour, was yelling into her cell phone.
“Listen to me, don’t answer the phone, don’t open the door, don’t talk or look at anyone until I get there. Yes that includes Snake, in fact it most specifically includes Snake. I’ll be there as soon as I can probably some time this afternoon. Just don’t do anything until I get there.”
Orlando smiled as Molly hung up with a frustrated sigh and quickly placed another call. He remembered being on the receiving end of those calls a long time ago. “Problem?” he asked once she ended her conversation with Robin.
“God save me from the rich, young, and rebellious. I wish all our clients could be like you.”
That made Orlando laugh. Molly had only been with the agency for about four years so she only knew Orlando as the well behaved client he’d been since he and Viggo split. She had no idea how crazy he’d driven Robin when he seemed to always be on the verge on revealing the truth. He was much easier to work with once he had nothing to fight for. “Look, if this is something you need to handle right away just drop me off at the studio.”
“No, I’ll go with you. But I’ll need to leave as soon as the interview is over.” She tried to sound convincing, but Orlando could read the indecision in her face.
“Don’t be ridiculous. I can do this interview in my sleep. It’s just a rehash of all the other ones I’ve done over the last week. It’s my last one so it’s no big deal if you leave, and besides Oprah loves me.” Orlando gave what he hoped was a convincing smile. He could use a break from the constant supervision, some time to think about Viggo in peace. “All you’re really doing is keeping me company. This sounds a lot more urgent then glorified babysitting.”
“Are you sure?” Molly bit her lip nervously, but Orlando knew he had her.
“Absolutely, it will be fine. I promise.”
“Okay, here’s the overview we faxed the producer. Be sure you review it carefully and stick with the answers we scripted. If you are not completely comfortable with this, I can stay.
“Go, this is no big deal.” Orlando folded the paper she handed him and stuck in his jacket. “I know the drill. We talk about the movie first. How fabulous it is, how honored I was to work the director and the other actors blah, blah, blah. I charmingly evade questions about my personal life. Then we talk about my back,” Orlando made a face at that one. He hoped someday people would stop asking about his accident. It was ancient history to him. “And finally we cover my charity work. I know what to say.”
Molly smiled then looking a little relieved. “I think you have it covered. Just promise you’ll call me if there are any problems.”
They finally arrived at the studio and Orlando gave her one last smile. “I promise, but I won’t need to. Good luck.” He patted her on the shoulder before getting out of the car. By the time he found out she had been fired, Orlando was with another agency and in no position to bargain on her behalf.
Orlando waited patiently in the green room. He called his mother and talked to her just long enough to make sure that the results of her recent medical tests had all been favorable. After he hung up, he noticed the message light was on and decided to check his voice mail. The last voice he expected to here was Viggo’s.
“Orlando, there are so many things we left unsaid. Maybe we thought they were understood, but time seems to have clouded our memories. There is a part of me that wants to justify the decisions we made, wants to defend the choices that perhaps now seem like mistakes. All I can say is we did what we thought was best at the time. No matter how things look in hindsight, we believed secrecy was the best way to safeguard our relationship. I can’t change the things I did then, but I can make sure you understand why. I never looked at you with anything but love and admiration. I would have been proud to walk beside you if that is what we thought best. I never once thought of you with shame. Never. You brought nothing but light and joy to my life. I wish you never had to question that.”
It seemed like only a few seconds passed from the time the message ended and he was called on stage. So it was with Viggo’s words echoing in his mind that he stepped up to greet Oprah. Orlando did his best to focus on the interview, and it worked for a while. He said all the right things about the movie, complimented everyone he was expected to, and flirted in the appropriate places. Then the topic switched to his latest breakup.
“You and Chloe Wilson recently ended you relationship. How does it feel to be single again?”
Orlando knew what he was supposed to say. He’d already answered several variations of the same question. But instead of joking about the difficulties of meeting new people, he told the truth. “I’ve been alone for a long time.”
Oprah looked at him quizzically before asking, “So are you saying you and Chloe split before it was reported publically?”
She was giving him and out, and he knew he should take it. “My relationship with Chloe was not a romantic one. We were seen together for publicity purposes.”
“Then you haven’t been with anyone since your on again off again relationship with Kate
Bosworth ended?”
“No, my relationship with Kate was also one of convenience. I haven’t been involved with anyone in over six years. That’s when Viggo and I split up.”
Oprah quickly called for a commercial and shut their microphones off. Then she leaned in so he could hear her over the shocked murmurings of the audience. “What are you doing?” she hissed.
“Telling the truth.”
“Are you sure you want to do this because we can go back and pretend you never said that. I can’t believe you want to tell the world you were once involved with your male co-star, and you’ve been faking love affairs ever since.”
Orlando shrugged, “I think this is something I need to talk about. I can do it here, or I can do it with someone else. It’s your show, your call.”
He watched her eyes narrow as she considered what he was offering. Orlando knew people thought all the big stars came on Oprah because she had a lot of power and being on her show could really boost your profile. While that was true, what people didn’t understand was that Oprah had that power because she played by the rules. Now he was asking her to forget the game. It was a risk. Stars with secrets might shy away from her for a while, and who knows what Robin might do. On the other hand, she would be passing up a huge story if she played it
safe.
Finally she nodded, “OK let’s do this. What are your parameters?”
Orlando shrugged again. “This wasn’t planned. You’re a reporter,” or at least you used to be he thought to himself. “Ask what you want, and I won’t answer if I don’t want to.”
Oprah got everyone back on track and turned to the camera, “We’re back with Orlando Bloom who had just made a shocking revelation. Orlando has admitted to being in a homosexual relationship with Viggo Mortensen who starred as Aragorn to Orlando’s Legolas in the award winning Lord of the Rings trilogy. He also says his relationships with Kate Bosworth and Chloe Wilson were publicity stunts designed to hide the fact that he is gay. So Orlando what prompted you to come out now?”
“I don’t really see it as coming out. I’m not involved with anyone so my sexuality is irrelevant at the moment. It’s more about needing to acknowledge a relationship that was very important to me.” Orlando hadn’t really considered the implications of admitting he was gay. He just wanted to stop lying.
“You said your relationship with Viggo ended six years ago. Why talk about it now?”
“There’s no tell all book planned or anything if that’s what you mean. Viggo’s been open about his bisexuality for years now so this can’t hurt him. Our relationship was a complete secret. I’ve recently realized that pretending such an important part of my life never happened is something I’m no longer willing to do.”
“How long were you together? Certainly some people had to know about your relationship.”
“We got together during filming for the Lord of the Rings movies and our relationship latest almost five years. Only our immediate families knew as well as our managers, publicists etc. We never told anyone involved in the movies or any of our other friends. Viggo once told me it was a sign of celebrity when the people who work for you know more about your life than you friends do,” Orlando couldn’t help the slightly bitter laugh that followed that statement.
“Why keep it such a secret and how did you manage to hide your relationship for so long?” Oprah seemed surprised at the depth of their deception.
“There are really two separate issues there. The decision to hide it from our friends was made early on. Lord of the Rings was my first movie and also a very long location shoot. Viggo thought it was better for me to keep our relationship hidden especially early on. If things hadn’t worked out it could have made the set uncomfortable, and he was concerned that if too many people knew I was involved with my male co-star it would stop my career before it started. I’m still not sure why we never told our friends other than that’s just what we had become used to. I recently found out we did a poor job of hiding because they all knew.”
“So if you were keeping your relationship a secret privately, was coming out publicly ever an option? How hard was it to keep the press from finding out about you?”
Orlando shifted restlessly. This wasn’t really what he wanted to remember about his relationship with Viggo, but he knew some explanations would be expected. “We knew we didn’t want to do anything to hurt the movies. They were too important to all of us to even consider letting our relationship affect the way people thought about them. We considered easing into a more public relationship after Return of the King swept the Oscars, but the timing wasn’t good. My career was more high profile than we expected, and the political climate was anything but favorable. We split up that same year so it wasn’t an issue anymore. People might fight it hard to believe, but hiding from the press wasn’t really a problem. Unless we were publicly making out, no one was going to write a story about us. There is no real incentive for a reporter to out an actor. If my relationship with Viggo had been discovered early on, it would have been a big story for a week. Then my career probably would have ended. By only seeing what they want to see, the press have gotten years of articles about my personal life. I’m more valuable to them straight.”
“Were there signs the press ignored that could have led to you being outed?”
“Absolutely. There were fans that knew all along. We had a very physical cast and that gave Viggo and I some leeway at premieres and other events. If I gave Dom a really big eye catching kiss, people saw that as a joke and tended to ignore the quieter more intimate greeting I’d have with Viggo. There are plenty of pictures that caught us being much more obvious about our feelings than we should have been, but no one pursued it. It’s an easy game to play. You tell enough of the truth to be believable, and no one presses for what you’re not saying.”
“What were some of the truths you hid behind?”
“I talked a lot about how much Viggo meant to me. Everything I said about how much I admired him and how much he helped me was true; I just stopped short of saying I loved him. If I got carried away and said too much it was dismissed as the gushings of a young actor for his mentor. We figured out what things could get us in trouble and told our version first. Viggo gave me a ring. We knew people would notice it so we said it was from my make-up artist. He wanted to publish some pictures from a night we spent camping together. He said he got lost with a friend; my name was never mentioned.” There were so many more stories Orlando could tell, but some things were too private to share.
“Your relationship with Kate Bosworth began while you and Viggo were still together. How did you balance that? And what did Kate and Chloe get out of their time with you?”
Orlando pressed his lips together and looked away for a moment. “I can’t and won’t speak for Kate or Chloe. They are both good friends, and I hope they will forgive for dragging them into this.” He gave Oprah a look that let her know the subject was closed.
“You kept your relationship a secret for five years and didn’t speak of it for another six years. Why are we talking about it today?”
“We have all come to understand that we can’t hide from the bad things in our life. If we ignore them, we allow them to fester and poison us. What I’ve learned is you can’t hide from the good in your life either. Once Viggo and I broke up, I pretended the relationship never happened. Doing that cut so much good out of my life. I’m not willing to give up all the positive things Viggo brought to my life.”
“What did Viggo bring to your life?”
“Viggo was the first person to really believe in me because of what he saw in me not because he was my mum or my agent. He taught me how to believe in myself, how to have pride in my work without arrogance or conceit. I saw in him what it meant to be an artist, and how the person you are shouldn’t be determined by how much money people are willing to give you. I buried most of those lessons along with my memories, but I want to go back to being the man I was with Viggo. I think that is the person I was meant to be.” The more Orlando spoke about Viggo the more he learned about himself. He’d been so focused on the realities of their relationship and breakup that he hadn’t considered all it had cost him before. He hoped he could live up to the promises he was making to himself.
“I hope you can be the person you were meant to be. That’s a goal we should all have. But you could do that without any explanation. Why it is important to you that people know where these changes come from?”
It all came back to the same question. Why did he need people to know about Viggo? “Some truths need to be told.” Orlando shrugged, but he knew that wasn’t an answer. “One of the things we were supposed to talk about today was the accident where I broke my back. I get a bit frustrated talking about it all the time because it happened so long ago. It’s not something I think about often and the consequences of it are something I accept as part of my life. But I think I know why it still gets mentioned. People see it as a defining moment in my life, and to them it tells them about me. When they see strength or determination, they trace it back to the accident. I must be strong and determined if I walked out of the hospital after what happened. It’s a simplistic way to look at things, but I can understand it. When people look at me in the future and see compassion, professionalism, when they see me become more than I have been, I want them to know why. I want them to know that the good things about me came from Viggo and my time with him. I don’t want the marks he left on my life to be invisible” Orlando paused to drink some water.
“You realize this is going to be the first thing people think of when they hear your name now. For a lot of people you will always be gay Orlando Bloom who was in love with Aragorn.”
Orlando gave his first real smile of the hour. “There is a part of me that hopes that is true. I feel like when Viggo and I broke up, our relationship was erased from our histories. That was a horrible thing. I think there is a tendency to view celebrities as tragic figures. It’s as though the wealth and privilege that come with fame must be balanced with personal unhappiness. It’s a story we see over and over again, and the path my life appeared to be on. I would be seen as a fairly successful actor with a string of failed relationships. Just another celebrity who could never find love or happiness. But that’s not who I am, and looking at my life from that lens distorts everything else about me. I want to stop acting all the time, and I want people to be able to see me. There was a time in my life when I not only loved but was loved completely. That is an amazing feeling, and I shouldn’t be asked to forget it. I don’t want to pretend I’ve never felt that. Love like that should be celebrated not hidden.”
Oprah squeezed his hand while she waited for the audience applause to die down. “Even six years later, you still glow when you talk about Viggo and your time together. Why did it end?”
“That is something private between Viggo and myself.” Orlando thought about the letter he’d mailed just a few hours ago. The flash of pain that hit him was so strong he doubted he hid it effectively. “What I will say if there was no betrayal or fighting. It had more to do with circumstance than lack of love.”
“Would you like to reunite with Viggo?”
Nothing Oprah could have asked him, including details about their sex life, would have shocked him more. “It’s been six years. That’s not even a possibility. Viggo’s moved on; he’s had other relationships.”
“But if it was possible?”
“The most I can imagine would be having Viggo back in my life as a friend, and that would be wonderful. We were friends before we fell in love, and because of the way things ended we lost that too. As for anything more than that, some dreams need to be shared or they are just too impossible.”
“You said Viggo’s moved on. You’ve already said you haven’t been in another relationship, but do you think you are ready to move on as well?”
He’d hoped she wouldn’t notice he only said Viggo had moved on; he should have known better. “I certainly don’t want to think I’ll spend the rest of my life alone. But in many ways, I’m just dealing with everything that happened with Viggo now so I also can’t imagine myself with anyone else. I guess will just have to see what happens.”
“One last question, how do see this affecting your career?”
“I hope it won’t be as damaging as it would have been a few years ago, but I’m prepared for that. Will it bother me it the scripts stop coming in, and I no longer have my choice of projects. Of course that will hurt. But I’ve had that privilege for a long time, not that I’ve always used it well, and it’s not enough anymore. There are ways to be an actor that don’t involve big budgets and nervous executives. I have friends in television and theater who are happy professionally and still manage to have a personal life. I’ve never had that balance. I’ve had to choose between happiness and my career before. I can’t change the decision I made then, but I won’t make it again. However this plays out career wise, I know I did the best thing for me.”
“Well Orlando Bloom, this has been quite an hour. I thank you for your honesty and your courage. I hope you are back with us soon to tell us about all the love and happiness as well as success you have in your life.”
“Thank you,” Orlando responded with a relieved smile. He accepted Oprah’s tight embrace as the show wrapped up. Normally he would have hung around and talked to some of his fans, but he couldn’t wait to get out of the studio. He stayed long enough to cover last minute details. He made sure he had the air date, and while he refused to provide any personal pictures he understood public pictures of he and Viggo together would be added before broadcast.
Orlando was silent on the ride back to his hotel. Once he got to his room, all he wanted to do was collapse on the bed and forget everything that had just happened. But there was something he needed to do first. It took him three tries to dial the number Sean had given him a few months ago. He let out a breath when the machine picked up. There was no way he could have actually spoken to Viggo without losing it completely.
“Viggo, it’s Orlando. God, I hope you won’t hate me after this. I had an interview today with Oprah today, and I ended up telling her about us. I didn’t plan it, and I swear I won’t do it again. Anyway, the show airs on the 14th so you might want to hide out for a while after that. The premier for my movie is the next week so things should blow over after that. I sent you another letter today, but it’s the last one. You really are done with me. I promise I’ll stop being such a cunt and messing up your life. I’m really sorry about everything. I guess this is goodbye.”
“Fuck, fuck, fuck,” he muttered to himself after he hung up. He knew there were other calls he needed to make. He needed to call Robin, not to mention Kate and Chloe, but he couldn’t face them yet. Orlando closed his eyes and shut out the world.
Pairing: Viggo/Orlando
Summary: Can what was lost be found again?
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: None
Beta: The amazing and wonderful
miss_arielCredit: Title taken from the lovely U2 song “All I Want Is You.”
Author’s Notes: Takes place in approximately 2010.
Since this is my journal, I'm going to do something I try to avoid, shamelessy begging for feedback. I usually hate everything I write, but I actually like this story. It took a long time to write, and I came very close to giving up. But I finished it, and I a bit proud of myself for that. But that's not why I'm asking for feedback. My sons are sick so my days have been filled with fevers, puke, and snot. Feedback would be a welcome diversion.
Billy and Dom hugged him tightly, and Orlando felt some of the apprehension that had been building since Dom’s phone call dissipate. Given a chance, he would have come up with an excuse to avoid seeing them, but Dom hadn’t asked. Orlando had returned from a meeting with his agent to the following message on his machine, “Hey Orli, it’s Dom. We heard you were in town for a while. I’m here visiting Bill who has the weekend off from rehearsal so we’ll be at your place around seven. We’ll bring the movies. You are responsible for food and more importantly booze. See you then.”
He hadn’t even left a number where Orlando could reach him. Maybe he realized Orlando would have begged off. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to see Billy and Dom; it was just awkward. He felt awkward. The more his life had changed after Rings, the less he felt like the person he’d been in New Zealand. Orlando didn’t always recognize the person he’d become, and he was afraid his friends would see that as well. So he kept his distance. It had been easy the last few years since he started spending what little free time he had in England. He still ran into Bean and Ian on occasion, but Bean was happy with an evening spent drinking in a dark pub, and he’d always been nervous around Ian so it was easy to fool them into thinking nothing had changed.
“It’s good to see you Orli. How’ve you been?” Billy asked once they pulled apart and followed Orlando into the house.
“Yeah man, it’s been too long. We’ve missed you hanging out and surfing with us.” Dom added.
“I know,” Orlando blushed a bit. It had been at least six months since he saw Billy and he hadn’t seen Dom in almost two years. They had both come to him for those visits. “I’m just shit at keeping in touch.” Billy and Dom exchanged a look, but let the lie pass. There was a time when Orlando had been almost obsessive about keeping in touch with everyone, but that was years ago.
“We held up our end of the bargain. I hope you haven’t let us down in the alcohol department,” Billy said setting DVD boxes out on the coffee table.
“You brought the extended editions,” Orlando said in disbelief. “I haven’t seen those since Elijah’s pre bachelor party party. What was that, three years ago?” That was the last time the entire Fellowship had been together. The last time he had seen Viggo.
“It’s tradition Orlando. You can’t mess with tradition,” Dom said trying to sound serious.
He was right; it was a tradition started by the Hobbits. Whenever members of the Fellowship got together, they watched all three Rings movies. They had found over the years that it was impossible to watch the trilogy with anyone who hadn’t been part of filming. There were too many jokes, too many experiences that just didn’t translate. So they watched together, creating their own not suitable for public commentaries each time. At Elijah’s party the comments had shifted from rude and sarcastic to wistful and nostalgic. The passage of time weighed on all of them. They also made allowances for each other. Orlando knew Billy and Dom would pretend he didn’t cry from the time Aragorn fell off the cliff until sometime after Helm’s Deep ended. And he would ignore the way they clung to each other when Merry and Pippin were separated and later reunited.
“I take you’re planning to stay a while.”
“Just try and get rid of us. As long as there’s food and drink we’re happy. True Hobbits we are. Speaking of which. . .” Billy lifted his eyebrows suggestively.
“I get the hint. Time to eat.” Orlando led them to the kitchen where a ton of food was already set out. They spent the next hour eating and catching up on each other’s lives. The conversation was light and humorous. Orlando was completely at ease by the time the loaded their arms with alcohol and snacks and headed to the living room.
Dom grabbed a bear and flung himself into the recliner. “You’re in charge of the movies Bills so get to it.”
“Lazy bastard isn’t he,” Billy joked as he got the first disc ready. Once it started, he picked up two beers and joined Orlando on the couch.
The movie began and they all fell silent for a moment. Orlando wasn’t sure he’d ever noticed that the prologue began during the opening credits, but the opening Elvish caught his attention in a way it hadn’t before. “Much that once was is lost. For none now live that remember it.” Orlando froze when he heard those words. He leaned forward, but relaxed again when the narrative shifted to rings and battles. Then he would swear that Cate, or more accurately Galadriel, spoke directly to him. “Some things that should not have been forgotten were lost. History became legend. Legend became myth.”
The prologue ended, and Orlando let out the breath he’d been holding. He tried to concentrate on the movie, but he couldn’t shake the feeling there had been a message in those words for him. Had he forgotten? He’d let it all slip away from him. He hadn’t even reached out; he’d just let go. Memories he never let himself think about crowded his mind. The sense of loss was crushing, sharp and immediate in a way it hadn’t been at the time. Was he the only one who remembered? Would it all fade into nothing?
It was the silence that finally caught his attention. He blinked and saw the screen was prompting them to put in the next disc. He waited a moment and realized Billy wasn’t moving. He set down the beer he’d never touched and turned to his friends. They were both staring at him obviously concerned.
“Are you all right?” Billy asked laying a gentle hand on Orlando’s shoulder.
Orlando smiled at his friends more to reassure them then anything else. He didn’t have a real answer to that question instead he decided to start telling the truth. “Did you know Viggo and I were together during filming?”
An uncomfortable look passed between Dom and Billy before Dom answered, “We knew Orli. Everyone knew.”
“No one ever said anything.” Orlando figured some of their friends had to suspect, but he never imagined they all knew.
Dom shrugged, “You two obviously wanted it to be a secret so it was.”
“That was Viggo’s idea. It was my first big role; he was afraid if people found out about us I’d get some sort of reputation. He was very protective of me. It was actually fun at first trying to hide it.” Orlando smiled as he thought of some of the crazy things they had done to keep anyone from catching on. It felt good to finally share this.
“At first?” Billy asked picking up on Orlando’s qualification.
“It got harder after a while. Kept us apart more than it let us be together. You know how it is.”
“When did you guys split, if you don’t mind my asking? We could never figure that out, but it was obvious at Elijah’s that you weren’t together anymore.”
Orlando knew any speculation about his relationship with Viggo had been out of concern and friendship not maliciousness so he didn’t mind answering Dom’s question. “It’s been almost six years now. The year we were coming to your place for Thanksgiving, Dom. It was right before that.”
“So that’s why you didn’t show. I always wondered. I’m sorry Orli.”
It seemed weird to be receiving sympathy so many years later. “It was a long time ago. Now let’s get the movie started again. We’re finally getting to all the elf action.” Orlando didn’t want the night to get dragged down in sorrow. It was time to move on.
“Elves, who cares about the bloody elves. We all know the Hobbits are the emotional center of the movie. Right, Dom?” Billy joked resurrecting an old argument as he moved to change the discs.
“Oh no, there will be no ganging up on the elf.” Orlando laughed and threw some popcorn at Billy glad to have the mood lightened again.
Billy and Dom ended up staying for the weekend. They had spent the time making fun of bad movies, drinking and laughing. It was almost like being in New Zealand again, and Orlando couldn’t remember when he’d been happier. They were all reluctant to part once Monday morning came around.
“We’ll see you soon. No more hiding Orli,” Dom said as they headed to the car.
“Thank you both for staying. And I’ll make at least one performance Billy. I promise.” Orlando stood in the doorway and waved them off. He walked back into the house noticing immediately how quiet it was. But he still felt less alone then he had in a long time.
A few days later, Orlando was still trying to shake Galadriel’s words. The more he thought about them the more they seemed like a warning. But he wondered if it was already too late. The hardest part of keeping his relationship with Viggo a secret had been having no one to share it with. He’d never been able to tell his friends how happy he was or how amazing it was to fall in love. There was no one he could gossip with about Viggo’s odd habits or the romantic things they did together. And there had been no one to comfort him when it was over.
It was as if their relationship existed only between the two of them, and somehow when they ended it, they managed to erase it as well. Sometimes Orlando thought he’d imagined the whole thing. He could remember every second he spent with Viggo, but the memories were distant now. They felt more like dreams than memories. The kind of dreams you woke up from convinced they were real. The problem was there was only one person he could ask. And after six years of silence he couldn’t imagine calling Viggo to ask him if they’d really been lovers. Of course, maybe there was another way.
“Hey Dad, you got something in the mail.”
Viggo didn’t look up from the pile of photographs he was sorting when he heard Henry enter.
“Who is it from?” He hated the idea of his personal mail going through an agency so his friends used his home address. Generally all he got were postcards, invitations, and an occasional article someone thought he should read.
“The postmark is from England so Bean I guess,” Henry answered.
“No he’s on location somewhere. Egypt I think or maybe Canada.”
“Dad, those aren’t even close.”
Viggo laughed at the exasperation in his son’s voice. “Cairo or Calgary, one of those places.”
“You really need to pay more attention to stuff. It’s amazing you’ve survived as long as you have. Well, there’s no return address so I’m not sure who it’s from.”
“Just leave on the table. I’ll get to it later. If I don’t finish going through these pictures, the book will never get done.” Viggo turned back to his work forgetting about the mail as soon as Henry left the room.
“You forgot to open this.” Those were the first words out of Henry’s mouth when Viggo joined him for breakfast the next morning. He shoved an envelope across the table toward his father.
“Since when do you care if I open my mail or not?” Viggo stirred his coffee and regarded his son with amusement. Normally Henry was too absorbed in his own life to pay much attention to his father’s.
Henry rolled his eyes. “It looks important. And if I left it up to you, it would sit on the table for a month and then get lost in a pile of newspapers.”
Viggo made a face at Henry, but picked up the envelope. The paper felt heavy and expensive. He could understand why Henry thought it was important. He flipped it over and ran his fingers over the handwritten address. He knew immediately who it was from. He didn’t want to open it. Part of him wanted to forget he ever saw it and part of him wanted to bring it to his nose and see if he could smell Orlando on it. With Henry watching him expectantly across the table, he could do neither. Instead he carefully slid his finger under the flap of the envelope and pulled out the paper covered in dark scrawl he’d have no hope of deciphering if he wasn’t already experienced in reading Orlando’s handwriting.
Dear Viggo,
I know this is going to sound crazy, but neither of us ever had much of a claim to sanity. I’ve been thinking about us a lot lately. And I’m starting to wonder if it really happened or if it was all a dream, a fantasy I can’t let go of. Sounds completely daft I know. I couldn’t have imagined all of it. I still have pictures of us even though I haven’t looked at them in years. I guess I want to know that I’m not alone in my memories. There is no one I can turn to but you. I hope you will forgive me.
Do you remember the night we got together. It was just after Henry’s first visit.
Viggo stopped reading. He couldn’t keep going, not now and certainly not in front of Henry. He held on to the letter and scanned it long enough to convince Henry he’d read it while he was really trying to regain his composure. When enough time had passed, he refolded the paper and placed it back in the envelope. Without realizing it, he kept his hand on the envelope.
“So who is it from?” Henry asked.
“Orlando,” Viggo answered trying desperately to sound causal.
“Orli, wow. I didn’t know you guys kept in touch.” Henry sounded happy about that idea, but then he’d always liked Orlando.
“We don’t. I haven’t heard from him in years.”
“What did he want? Is he okay?”
“Yeah, he’s fine.” At least Viggo hoped he was. “He just had a question about something that happened while we were together.”
“Did Orli do something Dad? Is that why you guys broke up, why you never talk to him?”
Viggo sighed. He wasn’t surprised by Henry’s questions. Henry hadn’t been living with Viggo at the time. When he came back, all Viggo told him was that he and Orlando were no longer together and Orlando wouldn’t be coming back. It wasn’t unusual for Viggo to remain close to his ex-lovers so Henry had to wonder why it was different with Orlando. That was the one thing Viggo regretted about getting involved with Orlando. He always thought they’d be able to remain friends no matter what happened. He couldn’t have been more wrong.
“No he didn’t do anything neither did I. We just drifted apart. You remember when you
graduated from high school, and you told me about how some of your friends had bought their girlfriends promise rings before they went to college. And then all of them had broken up before Christmas. It was like that. Once Rings was really over we just didn’t have anything in common any more. Our lives were too different.” Viggo realized how pathetic it sounded when he said it out loud. It made their relationship seem shallow and disposable. Apparently Henry agreed.
“That is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard. Nothing in common. How about love?” Henry snorted in disbelief.
“Henry,” Viggo warned. He wasn’t going to dissect his relationships with his son.
“I know it’s none of my business. I have to go or I’ll be late.” Henry grabbed his keys and walked out still shaking his head over Viggo’s explanation.
With Henry gone, Viggo headed back to his studio. He still had a lot of work to do; there was no time for whatever insane trip down memory lane Orlando had in mind. He couldn’t say how the letter from Orlando ended up on top the stack of pictures he intended to sort or how he spent two hours in his studio without looking at a single picture.
Orlando wasn’t sure what response, if any, he expected from Viggo. He was even less sure of what response he wanted. But two weeks after he mailed the letter, he was most certainly not expecting to hear Viggo’s voice when he checked his messages. He knew immediately why he’d never changed his cell phone number. Orlando felt at once both ridiculous and grateful. Viggo told him once he’d always keep his house in California even if he was no longer living there. He wanted Henry to always have somewhere to come home to. He wanted his son to have on constant in a life made complicated by his parents’ careers. That’s how Orlando had known where to contact Viggo. Without admitting to himself, Orlando had left a constant for Viggo. A way for Viggo to find him if he ever wanted to.
“Orlando, I got your letter.” A sigh followed by a long pause. “I’m not sure what. . .” Another pause, but Orlando was used to bits of silence from Viggo. “It was real Orlando, but you know that. It happened just like you remembered only, well I was never quite the man you imagined me to be. It’s okay to look at the pictures. I do sometimes. But Orlando, two people sharing a dream doesn’t make it any less of a dream. Be well.”
He played the message over and over again until the tears stopped. Orlando couldn’t say what he was crying for. Perhaps it was the shock of hearing his name from Viggo for the first time in years. While they were together, Viggo always called him Orlando; he only used Orli when he was teasing. Viggo had only called him Orli when they were at Elijah’s. Maybe it was the sadness in Viggo’s voice when he wished Orlando well or it was the doubts Viggo seemed to have despite his assurances to Orlando that what they had was real. He wasn’t sure how comforting Viggo meant to be by telling him he’d shared a dream with a man he mostly imagined.
Contacting Viggo had been a mistake. He was doing nothing but hurting both of them. But maybe he needed to hurt. Orlando had been numb for so long it was relief to feel anything. The memories themselves were good; it was the loss of them that made him ache. As much as he wanted to leave Viggo out of this, he was already composing the next letter in his head.
Viggo was in the backyard trying to decide just how urgent the weeding was when Henry interrupted him.
“You got another letter from Orli.” Henry dropped the envelope into his lap. “And you will never guess what I got in the mail.”
“Could it be that diploma you’ve been promising me for the last few years?” It was said a jest, a familiar joke, but Viggo couldn’t help hoping Henry would choose a major and stick with it long enough to actually graduate.
“Sorry Dad, not this year. I got an invitation to David’s wedding. You remember David don’t you? He’s marrying Ariel. You might have met her once or twice. They started dating in high school.”
Viggo closed his eyes and tried to ignore the emphasis Henry placed on the last two words. “You’re not funny.”
“Actually I’m hilarious, everyone says so. But I’m not trying to be funny. See for yourself.” He waved the glossy white engraved invitation in front of Viggo’s face.
“How nice for David. Please offer my congratulations both on his engagement and his ability to finish school in a timely fashion.”
“Haha, you’re funny too Dad. I must have inherited it from you. I imagine he’s happy to be back in the same state as Ariel, but what’s a little distance when you’re in love. Right?”
Henry ran back into the house before Viggo could respond. Viggo was thankful because he didn’t have anything to say, and he wasn’t in the mood for Henry’s criticism. He sat turning the letter over and over in his hands before finally working up the courage to open it.
Dear Viggo,
I hope you know I’m not trying to hurt you or work my way back into your life. I need your help with this, and then I promise to leave you alone. It’s just when we broke up, I had to keep going as if it never happened. As far as everyone else was concerned, nothing had happened. I couldn’t be upset over ending a relationship that never existed. So the only way I could handle it was to forget all of it. I don’t want to do that. I don’t the one time I was truly loved to be erased from my history. What is that they say about not being able to go forward until you look back? I guess I’m finally looking back and letting myself mourn for what I lost. Six years too late I know. How pathetic is that? I hope you understand.
Do you remember the night you told me you loved me for the first time? It was the happiest night of my life. I’d never felt anything like it. Still haven’t. I had told you that first night, but it was a few weeks before you said it to me. Sometimes I felt like I was dragging you along with me. Like I’d caught you in a vulnerable moment and just never let go. Anyway, back to that night. Of course you couldn’t just tell me like a normal person.
Viggo folded up the letter and went back into the house. He walked past Henry without saying a word just shaking his head when Henry tried to stop him. On the way to his studio, he stopped and left the letter in his bedroom. He would finish it at night when the house was dark and quiet and he could mourn with Orlando.
“You’re awfully quiet tonight Orli.”
Orlando looked up at the sound of Sean’s voice. “Sorry, don’t mean to be such bad company.” They were meeting for dinner before going to see Billy’s play. Orlando had already seen it twice, but wanted to catch it one more time before he left for a publicity tour. Bean had just returned from filming so Orlando had invited him along.
“You’re not bad company. I just wondered if something was wrong. It was a bit of a surprise to hear from you.” He looked at Orlando closely until Orlando averted his eyes.
Sean, like most of Orlando’s friends, had become accustomed to seeking Orlando out. He must have been shocked to have Orlando finally issuing an invitation. But now that they were here, Orlando felt uncomfortable. He knew what he wanted to ask, but he wasn’t sure how to broach the subject. “Do you ever look at your life and wonder how you fucked it all up so badly?”
“All the time, why?”
Orlando shook his head irritated with himself. That wasn’t what he’d intended to say. “Have you seen Viggo lately?”
“Not in person, but he called me the other day. Asked me if I liked the pyramids,” Sean laughed.
“I thought you were filming in Columbia?” Orlando frowned in confusion.
“I was. Viggo thought I was in Cairo, said he knew it started with a ‘C’. So this is about
Viggo?” Sean asked carefully.
“I know you know so you don’t have to pretend to be confused.” The look of relief on Sean’s face was so comical Orlando couldn’t help but smile. “How is he?”
“He’s good in general, but he’s lonely. He’s been lonely ever since you two split.”
“Sean, it’s been six years. I’m past the point of wanting to Viggo to be miserable without me. I want him to be happy. I know he’s had other relationships.”
Sean snorted, “I wouldn’t exactly call them relationships. You have a better chance of finding love with one of those pretty girls you parade around them he ever did with anyone he’s dated in the last five years.”
“I don’t understand.” Orlando had never been able to stop himself from seeking out information about Viggo’s other relationships. He was curious even though seeing the pictures always hurt especially when Viggo publicly dated a man for the first time a few years back. Viggo always looked happy and content to him.
“You’ve never met any of them so it’s hard to explain, but Viggo’s been careful about who he dates. Sure he likes them well enough, but he hasn’t loved any of them, not like he loved you. They get a long; they have a good time, but they can’t hurt him. They’re safe.” Sean shrugged.
“I think you’re confusing safe with acceptable.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Come on, think about it Sean. I haven’t really spoken to Viggo since we broke up, but even I know who he’s dated. He’s not flaunting it, but there are pictures, he talks about them. He doesn’t have to hide them like he did me. They’re people he can respect, be proud to be with.”
“Orlando, surely you don’t think. . .” Sean leaned across the table and grabbed Orlando’s hand.
“I’m not blaming him. Even before Rings, but especially after, what was Viggo known for- integrity, intelligence, being above all the Hollywood bullshit. How would it have looked if people knew about us? What was I known for? Being young, a little wild, and a lot lucky. No one thought of me as an actor then, just someone who knew how to stand around and look good. I would have looked like his mid life crisis only a gay one. It would have been a big joke. I’m sure you guys thought that at times.”
“You listen to me,” Sean surprised Orlando with the fierceness in his voice. “You relationship may have been the best worst kept secret in New Zealand, but it wasn’t a joke. No one laughed not even once. If anything, we were all jealous. How do you think we knew? You didn’t have to say anything it was just obvious. Viggo loved you. Don’t you ever doubt that.”
Orlando sank back in the booth and rubbed his eyes. “I don’t Sean not really. I can’t stop thinking about us lately. And I’m trying to figure out what went wrong. None of it makes any bloody sense to me anymore, but there has to be a reason, you know. Or I really fucked up.”
“You know sometimes one of my ex-wives will look at me a certain way or there will be something in her voice that makes me remember why I loved her. Then I start thinking about all the good times we had together, and I convince myself she was the one, and I screwed up my one chance at love.”
“Yeah, so what do you do?”
“Usually about that time she starts nagging me for more money or rambling on about how her new husband needs to do more work around the house. That’s when I remember why I divorced her in the first place,” Sean laughed. “Come on Orli, if we hurry we can catch Billy before the first act.”
It was late when Orlando finally got home a little bit tipsy and very tired. As he was locking up he remembered he’d never turned his cell phone back on. He hit the button to play his one message on his way up the stairs.
“Orlando, I hope this is helping you. I hope you are healing. It has been so easy to forget what happened between us certainly less painful than remembering. But we can only pretend for so long. The memories are there just waiting for us to look at them. Please remember it the way it was. You never took me anywhere I didn’t want to go. I may have guarded my feelings more than you did. You were so open, so generous with your love. You seemed to surround me with it. What a joy it was to feel that. But my feelings ran no less deep than yours. I hope you find that again.”
Slumped on the staircase his back resting against the wall, Orlando listened to the message over and over again until his battery ran dead.
Viggo heard the front door open just as he took the chicken out of the oven. “Hey Dom, you’re just in time. Dinner’s almost ready.”
“Thank God, I haven’t had any decent food since I left London yesterday,” Dom said as he entered the kitchen.
“There’s nothing worse than airline food.” Viggo wrinkled his nose then embraced his friend quickly. “You know where everything is so make yourself at home while I finish up here.”
“Thanks mate, I won’t be long.” Dom picked his bag back up on his way out.
Viggo busied himself with last minute prep while Dom freshened up. He would be spending a few days with Viggo before returning to Hawaii to film the final season of Lost. Over the years he’d found stopping in California for a few days lessened the jet lag that came with traveling between Europe and Hawaii. He usually stayed with Viggo or the Astins.
“So how do you feel about the show ending?” Viggo asked once Dom returned and the food and wine were on the table.
“Pretty good actually. I’ll miss everyone of course, but I think it’s time. We have to get off the bloody island eventually. It will be nice to have a more flexible schedule. I’m keeping the house though so we’ll still have a place for surfing.”
“As long as you have your priorities straight,” Viggo laughed. He’d continue to leave the surfing to the Hobbits having learned his lesson years ago, but Dom’s house was a great vacation spot. “How is the play going for Billy?”
“Great, he’s amazing as usual,” Dom smiled his whole face softening.
“I wish I could have made it over, but there was just no way.”
“Bill understands don’t worry about it.” Dom waved his hand is dismissal. “Elijah and Sean are bringing their families over for the last week. Bean and Ian both made a performance. And Orli was there three or four times.”
“Billy must appreciate all the support,” Viggo said quietly. As he had the last few years, he carefully avoided Dom’s mention of Orlando.
“We spent a lot of time with Orli.” Once it was clear Viggo wasn’t going to respond Dom continued, “I always thought you would be the one to tell us. Once Orli got through the first few years without blurting it out, he got so good at keeping secrets I’m not sure he even knew how to tell the truth. But I figured at some point you’d either forget no one was supposed to know or you just wouldn’t care. Of course I also thought it would happen while you guys were still together. We all knew, and we were happy for you. It would have been nice to be able to tell you that.”
“I don’t know or understand what’s going on with Orlando right now.” Viggo paused considering his next words carefully. He wasn’t sure how to ask without giving too much away. “But I need to know that there’s nothing wrong. He’s okay isn’t he?”
“He’s not dying or in some 12 step program trying to make amends or anything if that’s what you’re asking.”
“Good,” what else was there to say really? They sat silent long enough for Viggo to think about offering coffee before Dom spoke again.
“I think he was just tired of hiding at least from his friends. It’s hard to maintain friendships when you have to think about every word that comes out of your mouth when you have to keep up the same pretenses in private that you do in public. It explains a lot about the last few years.”
Viggo looked at Dom quizzically but didn’t ask any of the questions he longed to, didn’t seek the assurances he hadn’t realized he wanted. He suddenly needed to know how Orlando had been, what had happened to him since they split up, but he wasn’t ready to reveal that.
“You wouldn’t know this, but Orli started avoiding us. We didn’t know why at the time, but it was right after you broke up. When we would track him down, he was distant and evasive. Here he was trying to pretend nothing had changed, still trying to keep your secret. How was he supposed to hide that kind of pain? What were you thinking, Viggo, asking that of him. You had to know the secrecy would suffocate you eventually. You had to know.” Dom leaned across the table his expression a mix of accusation and pleading for explanation.
“It wasn’t like that Dom. I don’t understand what you’re asking,” Viggo shook his head in confusion. He felt like he hadn’t been able see anything clearly since Orlando’s first letter arrived.
“I understand hiding from the press really I do. I’m the last person to advocate making your private life public. It was the right decision for your career and most certainly for his. But why hide it from us? Maybe at first, I mean there was no point in taking a chance of on set tension on something that might of burned itself out after a few weeks. But years Viggo, you were with him for years. We’ve met your other lovers. You introduced them to us; you touched them, kissed them in front of us. What was different about Orli? Did you think people would look at the two of you and wonder what you were doing with him? Were you worried people would think the wise and noble Viggo Mortensen had fallen for a pretty face and a tight ass?”
Viggo stood up in anger, “That’s enough! I won’t listen to this. How could you think that?”
“I don’t know what I think. I saw the way you looked at him; I know you loved him. But it doesn’t matter what I think. What matters is what Orli thinks.”
“He couldn’t think that. Did Orlando tell you this was how he felt?” Viggo sat down heavily sickened by the thought that Orlando could ever believe he was ashamed of him.
“Orli talked to Bean who talked to me,” Dom shrugged somewhat apologetically. “I’m not sure how much of it Orli really meant. Bean said he seemed to be trying to figure out what went wrong between the two of you and didn’t know what to think.”
“There are things I would change, do differently if I could, but I can’t imagine I ever did anything to make Orlando think I felt that way about him.”
Dom held up a hand, “You don’t need to explain yourself to me Viggo. I guess it must be strange going back over this after so long, but it seems like you and Orli just tried to pretend it never happened. Maybe if you deal with it now, you can at least get your friendship back. Anyway, I’m bloody beat so I’m going to turn in, give you some time. No hard feelings?”
Viggo shook his head and gave Dom a small smile as he wished him goodnight. He did need time, time to think and maybe to remember. He had a feeling it would be a long time before he made his way to bed.
Dom didn’t seem surprised to find Viggo in basically the same place he’d left him the night before. He just waved an acknowledgment in Viggo’s direction on his way to the kitchen returning a few minutes later with coffee for both of them. “What I said last night, Viggo, about Orli, that was out f line. It’s none of my business, and I really am sorry.”
Viggo accepted the coffee gratefully, but declined the apology. “Orlando’s your friend and you’re worried about him. It’s good that you want to look out for him.”
“I guess I feel like I let him, well both of you really, down. We should have let on that we knew, we should have let you know you didn’t have to hide from us. And once we figured out it was over, we should have been there for you guys instead of pretending right along with you. But it went on for so long none of us knew how to change things.”
“We put all of you in an awkward position. It was insane to think no one would notice. But after a while it was all we knew. After the first year, I don’t think we even talked about telling anyone. The secrecy was no longer a decision; it was just the way we lived,” Viggo paused shaking his head. The more he talked about his relationship with Orlando the more he realized how they had sabotaged it themselves. And how stupid all their rationalizations really were. “In the beginning it was a lot like you said last night, I don’t think either of us thought it would last. So we kept it to ourselves waiting for it to burn out. And when it lasted, I can’t speak for Orlando, but I still thought it was too precious to continue. I felt like I had fallen into a love I hadn’t earned or didn’t belong to me. It seemed safer to keep it to myself as if I could protect it from harm. But love is a gift and it needs to be shared not hidden. It was my cowardice not shame that motivated me. I’ll make sure Orlando understands that, please believe me.”
“Maybe if you and Orli just talk to each other and spend some time together you can straighten all this out,” Dom ducked his head sheepishly.
“Dom are you asking,” Viggo cut off his own question. It was too out of the realm of possibility to even consider.
“Christ this is stupid. I can’t believe I even said that. I feel like some kid hoping his parents will get back together.”
“Then I guess I’ll tell you the same thing I told Henry when he was younger. Sometimes love isn’t enough. Some people aren’t meant to stay together. You can hate it all you want, but you can’t change it.”
Dom looked at him soberly, “Did Henry think that answer sucked as much as I do?”
The smile Viggo gave Dave was a little forced, but he wanted to break the tension. “He was a bit more invested in seeing his mother and I get back together so yeah he thought it sucked. That was during the first of many times he was convinced I was trying to ruin his life. The current phase began about a week ago.” That got a laugh out of Dom, and the conversation shifted to Henry’s latest adventures.
Orlando leaned forward and tapped the driver’s shoulder to get his attention, “Hey can you pull over up there?” He pointed to the next corner. “I need to throw something in the mailbox.”
The driver looked annoyed at having to change lanes in the heavy traffic, but managed to pull over close to the mailbox. Orlando jumped out as soon as the car stopped. “Thanks, I’ll just be a minute,” he said quickly shutting the door behind him.
Once he reached the mailbox, Orlando took the envelope out of his pocket. He stared at it trying to decide what to do. He should have left it at the hotel to be mailed. Now he’d had too much time to think about it. But no matter how discreet a hotel claimed to be there was always someone willing to make some quick money off their celebrity clients. Orlando couldn’t risk Viggo’s address becoming public or God forbid someone selling the letter to the tabloids. He reached his hand out, but pulled it back crushing the letter in his grip. This was his last letter to Viggo; writing it had absolutely gutted him. He hadn’t expected mailing it to hurt so much. It was like leaving Viggo all over again. He sighed, shoved the letter into the slot, and walked back to the car.
“For God’s sake what were you thinking? No don’t answer that, obviously you weren’t
thinking.”
Orlando slid into the car and look over at his companion startled by both her tone and words. He quickly realized Molly, the publicist representative that was with him for this leg of the publicity tour, was yelling into her cell phone.
“Listen to me, don’t answer the phone, don’t open the door, don’t talk or look at anyone until I get there. Yes that includes Snake, in fact it most specifically includes Snake. I’ll be there as soon as I can probably some time this afternoon. Just don’t do anything until I get there.”
Orlando smiled as Molly hung up with a frustrated sigh and quickly placed another call. He remembered being on the receiving end of those calls a long time ago. “Problem?” he asked once she ended her conversation with Robin.
“God save me from the rich, young, and rebellious. I wish all our clients could be like you.”
That made Orlando laugh. Molly had only been with the agency for about four years so she only knew Orlando as the well behaved client he’d been since he and Viggo split. She had no idea how crazy he’d driven Robin when he seemed to always be on the verge on revealing the truth. He was much easier to work with once he had nothing to fight for. “Look, if this is something you need to handle right away just drop me off at the studio.”
“No, I’ll go with you. But I’ll need to leave as soon as the interview is over.” She tried to sound convincing, but Orlando could read the indecision in her face.
“Don’t be ridiculous. I can do this interview in my sleep. It’s just a rehash of all the other ones I’ve done over the last week. It’s my last one so it’s no big deal if you leave, and besides Oprah loves me.” Orlando gave what he hoped was a convincing smile. He could use a break from the constant supervision, some time to think about Viggo in peace. “All you’re really doing is keeping me company. This sounds a lot more urgent then glorified babysitting.”
“Are you sure?” Molly bit her lip nervously, but Orlando knew he had her.
“Absolutely, it will be fine. I promise.”
“Okay, here’s the overview we faxed the producer. Be sure you review it carefully and stick with the answers we scripted. If you are not completely comfortable with this, I can stay.
“Go, this is no big deal.” Orlando folded the paper she handed him and stuck in his jacket. “I know the drill. We talk about the movie first. How fabulous it is, how honored I was to work the director and the other actors blah, blah, blah. I charmingly evade questions about my personal life. Then we talk about my back,” Orlando made a face at that one. He hoped someday people would stop asking about his accident. It was ancient history to him. “And finally we cover my charity work. I know what to say.”
Molly smiled then looking a little relieved. “I think you have it covered. Just promise you’ll call me if there are any problems.”
They finally arrived at the studio and Orlando gave her one last smile. “I promise, but I won’t need to. Good luck.” He patted her on the shoulder before getting out of the car. By the time he found out she had been fired, Orlando was with another agency and in no position to bargain on her behalf.
Orlando waited patiently in the green room. He called his mother and talked to her just long enough to make sure that the results of her recent medical tests had all been favorable. After he hung up, he noticed the message light was on and decided to check his voice mail. The last voice he expected to here was Viggo’s.
“Orlando, there are so many things we left unsaid. Maybe we thought they were understood, but time seems to have clouded our memories. There is a part of me that wants to justify the decisions we made, wants to defend the choices that perhaps now seem like mistakes. All I can say is we did what we thought was best at the time. No matter how things look in hindsight, we believed secrecy was the best way to safeguard our relationship. I can’t change the things I did then, but I can make sure you understand why. I never looked at you with anything but love and admiration. I would have been proud to walk beside you if that is what we thought best. I never once thought of you with shame. Never. You brought nothing but light and joy to my life. I wish you never had to question that.”
It seemed like only a few seconds passed from the time the message ended and he was called on stage. So it was with Viggo’s words echoing in his mind that he stepped up to greet Oprah. Orlando did his best to focus on the interview, and it worked for a while. He said all the right things about the movie, complimented everyone he was expected to, and flirted in the appropriate places. Then the topic switched to his latest breakup.
“You and Chloe Wilson recently ended you relationship. How does it feel to be single again?”
Orlando knew what he was supposed to say. He’d already answered several variations of the same question. But instead of joking about the difficulties of meeting new people, he told the truth. “I’ve been alone for a long time.”
Oprah looked at him quizzically before asking, “So are you saying you and Chloe split before it was reported publically?”
She was giving him and out, and he knew he should take it. “My relationship with Chloe was not a romantic one. We were seen together for publicity purposes.”
“Then you haven’t been with anyone since your on again off again relationship with Kate
Bosworth ended?”
“No, my relationship with Kate was also one of convenience. I haven’t been involved with anyone in over six years. That’s when Viggo and I split up.”
Oprah quickly called for a commercial and shut their microphones off. Then she leaned in so he could hear her over the shocked murmurings of the audience. “What are you doing?” she hissed.
“Telling the truth.”
“Are you sure you want to do this because we can go back and pretend you never said that. I can’t believe you want to tell the world you were once involved with your male co-star, and you’ve been faking love affairs ever since.”
Orlando shrugged, “I think this is something I need to talk about. I can do it here, or I can do it with someone else. It’s your show, your call.”
He watched her eyes narrow as she considered what he was offering. Orlando knew people thought all the big stars came on Oprah because she had a lot of power and being on her show could really boost your profile. While that was true, what people didn’t understand was that Oprah had that power because she played by the rules. Now he was asking her to forget the game. It was a risk. Stars with secrets might shy away from her for a while, and who knows what Robin might do. On the other hand, she would be passing up a huge story if she played it
safe.
Finally she nodded, “OK let’s do this. What are your parameters?”
Orlando shrugged again. “This wasn’t planned. You’re a reporter,” or at least you used to be he thought to himself. “Ask what you want, and I won’t answer if I don’t want to.”
Oprah got everyone back on track and turned to the camera, “We’re back with Orlando Bloom who had just made a shocking revelation. Orlando has admitted to being in a homosexual relationship with Viggo Mortensen who starred as Aragorn to Orlando’s Legolas in the award winning Lord of the Rings trilogy. He also says his relationships with Kate Bosworth and Chloe Wilson were publicity stunts designed to hide the fact that he is gay. So Orlando what prompted you to come out now?”
“I don’t really see it as coming out. I’m not involved with anyone so my sexuality is irrelevant at the moment. It’s more about needing to acknowledge a relationship that was very important to me.” Orlando hadn’t really considered the implications of admitting he was gay. He just wanted to stop lying.
“You said your relationship with Viggo ended six years ago. Why talk about it now?”
“There’s no tell all book planned or anything if that’s what you mean. Viggo’s been open about his bisexuality for years now so this can’t hurt him. Our relationship was a complete secret. I’ve recently realized that pretending such an important part of my life never happened is something I’m no longer willing to do.”
“How long were you together? Certainly some people had to know about your relationship.”
“We got together during filming for the Lord of the Rings movies and our relationship latest almost five years. Only our immediate families knew as well as our managers, publicists etc. We never told anyone involved in the movies or any of our other friends. Viggo once told me it was a sign of celebrity when the people who work for you know more about your life than you friends do,” Orlando couldn’t help the slightly bitter laugh that followed that statement.
“Why keep it such a secret and how did you manage to hide your relationship for so long?” Oprah seemed surprised at the depth of their deception.
“There are really two separate issues there. The decision to hide it from our friends was made early on. Lord of the Rings was my first movie and also a very long location shoot. Viggo thought it was better for me to keep our relationship hidden especially early on. If things hadn’t worked out it could have made the set uncomfortable, and he was concerned that if too many people knew I was involved with my male co-star it would stop my career before it started. I’m still not sure why we never told our friends other than that’s just what we had become used to. I recently found out we did a poor job of hiding because they all knew.”
“So if you were keeping your relationship a secret privately, was coming out publicly ever an option? How hard was it to keep the press from finding out about you?”
Orlando shifted restlessly. This wasn’t really what he wanted to remember about his relationship with Viggo, but he knew some explanations would be expected. “We knew we didn’t want to do anything to hurt the movies. They were too important to all of us to even consider letting our relationship affect the way people thought about them. We considered easing into a more public relationship after Return of the King swept the Oscars, but the timing wasn’t good. My career was more high profile than we expected, and the political climate was anything but favorable. We split up that same year so it wasn’t an issue anymore. People might fight it hard to believe, but hiding from the press wasn’t really a problem. Unless we were publicly making out, no one was going to write a story about us. There is no real incentive for a reporter to out an actor. If my relationship with Viggo had been discovered early on, it would have been a big story for a week. Then my career probably would have ended. By only seeing what they want to see, the press have gotten years of articles about my personal life. I’m more valuable to them straight.”
“Were there signs the press ignored that could have led to you being outed?”
“Absolutely. There were fans that knew all along. We had a very physical cast and that gave Viggo and I some leeway at premieres and other events. If I gave Dom a really big eye catching kiss, people saw that as a joke and tended to ignore the quieter more intimate greeting I’d have with Viggo. There are plenty of pictures that caught us being much more obvious about our feelings than we should have been, but no one pursued it. It’s an easy game to play. You tell enough of the truth to be believable, and no one presses for what you’re not saying.”
“What were some of the truths you hid behind?”
“I talked a lot about how much Viggo meant to me. Everything I said about how much I admired him and how much he helped me was true; I just stopped short of saying I loved him. If I got carried away and said too much it was dismissed as the gushings of a young actor for his mentor. We figured out what things could get us in trouble and told our version first. Viggo gave me a ring. We knew people would notice it so we said it was from my make-up artist. He wanted to publish some pictures from a night we spent camping together. He said he got lost with a friend; my name was never mentioned.” There were so many more stories Orlando could tell, but some things were too private to share.
“Your relationship with Kate Bosworth began while you and Viggo were still together. How did you balance that? And what did Kate and Chloe get out of their time with you?”
Orlando pressed his lips together and looked away for a moment. “I can’t and won’t speak for Kate or Chloe. They are both good friends, and I hope they will forgive for dragging them into this.” He gave Oprah a look that let her know the subject was closed.
“You kept your relationship a secret for five years and didn’t speak of it for another six years. Why are we talking about it today?”
“We have all come to understand that we can’t hide from the bad things in our life. If we ignore them, we allow them to fester and poison us. What I’ve learned is you can’t hide from the good in your life either. Once Viggo and I broke up, I pretended the relationship never happened. Doing that cut so much good out of my life. I’m not willing to give up all the positive things Viggo brought to my life.”
“What did Viggo bring to your life?”
“Viggo was the first person to really believe in me because of what he saw in me not because he was my mum or my agent. He taught me how to believe in myself, how to have pride in my work without arrogance or conceit. I saw in him what it meant to be an artist, and how the person you are shouldn’t be determined by how much money people are willing to give you. I buried most of those lessons along with my memories, but I want to go back to being the man I was with Viggo. I think that is the person I was meant to be.” The more Orlando spoke about Viggo the more he learned about himself. He’d been so focused on the realities of their relationship and breakup that he hadn’t considered all it had cost him before. He hoped he could live up to the promises he was making to himself.
“I hope you can be the person you were meant to be. That’s a goal we should all have. But you could do that without any explanation. Why it is important to you that people know where these changes come from?”
It all came back to the same question. Why did he need people to know about Viggo? “Some truths need to be told.” Orlando shrugged, but he knew that wasn’t an answer. “One of the things we were supposed to talk about today was the accident where I broke my back. I get a bit frustrated talking about it all the time because it happened so long ago. It’s not something I think about often and the consequences of it are something I accept as part of my life. But I think I know why it still gets mentioned. People see it as a defining moment in my life, and to them it tells them about me. When they see strength or determination, they trace it back to the accident. I must be strong and determined if I walked out of the hospital after what happened. It’s a simplistic way to look at things, but I can understand it. When people look at me in the future and see compassion, professionalism, when they see me become more than I have been, I want them to know why. I want them to know that the good things about me came from Viggo and my time with him. I don’t want the marks he left on my life to be invisible” Orlando paused to drink some water.
“You realize this is going to be the first thing people think of when they hear your name now. For a lot of people you will always be gay Orlando Bloom who was in love with Aragorn.”
Orlando gave his first real smile of the hour. “There is a part of me that hopes that is true. I feel like when Viggo and I broke up, our relationship was erased from our histories. That was a horrible thing. I think there is a tendency to view celebrities as tragic figures. It’s as though the wealth and privilege that come with fame must be balanced with personal unhappiness. It’s a story we see over and over again, and the path my life appeared to be on. I would be seen as a fairly successful actor with a string of failed relationships. Just another celebrity who could never find love or happiness. But that’s not who I am, and looking at my life from that lens distorts everything else about me. I want to stop acting all the time, and I want people to be able to see me. There was a time in my life when I not only loved but was loved completely. That is an amazing feeling, and I shouldn’t be asked to forget it. I don’t want to pretend I’ve never felt that. Love like that should be celebrated not hidden.”
Oprah squeezed his hand while she waited for the audience applause to die down. “Even six years later, you still glow when you talk about Viggo and your time together. Why did it end?”
“That is something private between Viggo and myself.” Orlando thought about the letter he’d mailed just a few hours ago. The flash of pain that hit him was so strong he doubted he hid it effectively. “What I will say if there was no betrayal or fighting. It had more to do with circumstance than lack of love.”
“Would you like to reunite with Viggo?”
Nothing Oprah could have asked him, including details about their sex life, would have shocked him more. “It’s been six years. That’s not even a possibility. Viggo’s moved on; he’s had other relationships.”
“But if it was possible?”
“The most I can imagine would be having Viggo back in my life as a friend, and that would be wonderful. We were friends before we fell in love, and because of the way things ended we lost that too. As for anything more than that, some dreams need to be shared or they are just too impossible.”
“You said Viggo’s moved on. You’ve already said you haven’t been in another relationship, but do you think you are ready to move on as well?”
He’d hoped she wouldn’t notice he only said Viggo had moved on; he should have known better. “I certainly don’t want to think I’ll spend the rest of my life alone. But in many ways, I’m just dealing with everything that happened with Viggo now so I also can’t imagine myself with anyone else. I guess will just have to see what happens.”
“One last question, how do see this affecting your career?”
“I hope it won’t be as damaging as it would have been a few years ago, but I’m prepared for that. Will it bother me it the scripts stop coming in, and I no longer have my choice of projects. Of course that will hurt. But I’ve had that privilege for a long time, not that I’ve always used it well, and it’s not enough anymore. There are ways to be an actor that don’t involve big budgets and nervous executives. I have friends in television and theater who are happy professionally and still manage to have a personal life. I’ve never had that balance. I’ve had to choose between happiness and my career before. I can’t change the decision I made then, but I won’t make it again. However this plays out career wise, I know I did the best thing for me.”
“Well Orlando Bloom, this has been quite an hour. I thank you for your honesty and your courage. I hope you are back with us soon to tell us about all the love and happiness as well as success you have in your life.”
“Thank you,” Orlando responded with a relieved smile. He accepted Oprah’s tight embrace as the show wrapped up. Normally he would have hung around and talked to some of his fans, but he couldn’t wait to get out of the studio. He stayed long enough to cover last minute details. He made sure he had the air date, and while he refused to provide any personal pictures he understood public pictures of he and Viggo together would be added before broadcast.
Orlando was silent on the ride back to his hotel. Once he got to his room, all he wanted to do was collapse on the bed and forget everything that had just happened. But there was something he needed to do first. It took him three tries to dial the number Sean had given him a few months ago. He let out a breath when the machine picked up. There was no way he could have actually spoken to Viggo without losing it completely.
“Viggo, it’s Orlando. God, I hope you won’t hate me after this. I had an interview today with Oprah today, and I ended up telling her about us. I didn’t plan it, and I swear I won’t do it again. Anyway, the show airs on the 14th so you might want to hide out for a while after that. The premier for my movie is the next week so things should blow over after that. I sent you another letter today, but it’s the last one. You really are done with me. I promise I’ll stop being such a cunt and messing up your life. I’m really sorry about everything. I guess this is goodbye.”
“Fuck, fuck, fuck,” he muttered to himself after he hung up. He knew there were other calls he needed to make. He needed to call Robin, not to mention Kate and Chloe, but he couldn’t face them yet. Orlando closed his eyes and shut out the world.
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no subject
Date: 2005-12-07 10:35 pm (UTC)And *hugs* to you with two sick boys at home. I hope you're getting some rest for yourself, sweetie.
no subject
Date: 2005-12-07 11:18 pm (UTC)