Happy Birthday Aidan and Kieran
May. 17th, 2006 10:41 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jule1122My beautiful angels are 3 today! I really can't believe it. It doesn't seem like it's been three years, but I can barely remember my life before they were born. Mostly for myself, I want to write about what the day they were born was like.
I've written about some of this before so sorry to anyone who's reading it again. I was admitted to the hospital on April 22 in preterm labor. I was having regular contraction that I couldn't feel, but caused my cervix to dilate. I think I was 3 1/2 centimeters dilated when I was admitted. I was on an IV of magnesium sulfate the entire time to stop the contraction. I slowed them a lot but never completely stopped them. Our goal was to get to 28 weeks which would have been May 21. My doctors office was down the hall from my room so I had sonograms every few days. For the most part things were always bad. We were hanging on day by day. When things were really bad, he would put me on an oral medication called Indosin. It worked great, but is only used for 48 hours then you have wait a week a think before you can take it again. It tends to decrease amniotic fluid so it can't be used for long. About a week before the boys were born our doctor talked to us about extending the use of the Indosin. In Europe it's used for up to a week and we were to th point were the risks of lower amniotic fluid was less than the risk of them being born. We asked him what the longest he'd ever used it was and he said 48 hours. We decided to try it and I took it for 5 days with no problems.
The day before they were born we had a sonogram and had our first good news. Baby A was transverse so there was no pressure on my cervix. The doctor said if I made it through the next twenty four hours he thought we'd be in good shape. I knew when we left the office, I was done. All afternoon I felt like something was wrong, but I wasn't having any contractions and everything looked good. I was moved to a different room that day with different nurses which made me a little nervous. That night I had five contractions I could actually feel. They upped my magnesium and at 5am the resident came to see me. He freaked because I was 5 cen dilated, but I'd been 4 for 3 weeks so I wasn't too worried. The did a quick sonogram and both boys were breach so they said I'd have a C-section if I delivered. They moved me to Labor & Delivery and I called my husband. They gave me a double dose of Indosin which makes me really sleepy. My doctor called about 7:30. At that time everything was good. The contractions had stopped completely. He said he'd see me later and to go back to sleep. He came in at 9:30. Rick said as soon as he started to examine me he could tell from the look on his face something was wrong. I was 8 1/2 cen dilated and because of Baby A's position there was a danger of a prolapsed cord so he said I needed an immediate C-section. Rick called my mom who was home and paged his brother to call his mother because she was out of town about an hour and half away. There was some discussion of knocking me out if they couldn't get a spinal fast enough and Rick would be allowed in the room, but they got the spinal without any problems.
I was too sleepy from the Indosin to be scared even though I should have been. I remember my doctor coming in, but he never said anything which was unusual for him. I know must people say they feel tugging or pulling during a C-section, but I felt absolutely nothing. I didn't know they had started until they held up Baby A. I got to see his face briefly before they started working on him. After they were done working on Baby B they let me kiss him on the cheek before the took them away. All I ever saw were their faces and I had no concept of how small they were.
We had been waiting until I reached 28 weeks to name them. We had it narrowed down to Aidan, Christian, Kieran, and Nathan and to 4 combinations of the names. I told Rick in the delivery room that Baby A looked like an Aidan, but I wanted him to name Baby B. On the way to the recovery room I saw my mom and grandma were there. They had been able to see the boys on the way to the NICU and told me they were beautiful. We didn't tell anyone Aidan's name because we didn't have the other one yet. I insisted Rick choice because I knew he wanted Kieran, but since it was an unusual name and he normally liked more traditional names I needed it to be his decision. Shortly after I was taken to recovery we officially named them Aidan Richard and Kieran Richard.
They told us they weighed 1lb 13oz and 1lb 15oz. We were a bit shocked because we expected them to be over 2lbs, but premmie weights are hard to estimate because it's based largely on head size and their heads are disproportionately large. I'm not sure how long I was in recovery, but they took us to see them on the way to my room. They wheeled my bed between their warmers. Obviously they were very small and they had IV's and monitors, but I thought they were perfect. At that moment they were exactly what I thought I baby should look like.
The rest of the day is a bit of a blur. I had some problems with my IV and pain medication which made for some less then fun moments. I was able to see them briefly two more times. There were several family members who came to see them. Other than the initial call we didn't call anyone, but let our family inform each other. We emailed our friends instead of calling. It was awkward. People don't know if they should say congratulations or I'm sorry. How do you tell people your children were born but you don't know if they will survive? The birth of a child should always be a joy and a celebration. And obviously in most ways for us it was, but it was in essence a failure. We didn't have the normal bonding moments or first day pictures taken with us or their grandparents. Instead we had polaroids sent from the NICU and instructions not to touch them except lightly on their heads or buts because they nervous systems were too underdeveoped to handle stimulation. But there were gifts that day too. My grandmother being there is very special because she died unexpectedly 4 month later.
I learned a lot that day. I learned an amazing amount about love and what my love for my children was based on. I learned that fear can be turned to silence and sometimes the most important words are the ones we never say. Rick and I never asked if they boys might die. If we didn't voice that fear we didn't have to acknowledge it. I learned the power of naming and how it gave the boys their individuality. I felt like a mother for the first time that day.
We still don't know what the effects of that day will be. Aidan and Kieran have some delays, but we won't know probably for years how serious they will be. My promise to them is to love them unconditionally for who they are not who I might have imagined them to be or who they could have been. They are happy, healthy, beautiful, and loving. I can't ask for more than that.
Aidan and Kieran you are the light of my life. I love you more than you will ever know.
I've written about some of this before so sorry to anyone who's reading it again. I was admitted to the hospital on April 22 in preterm labor. I was having regular contraction that I couldn't feel, but caused my cervix to dilate. I think I was 3 1/2 centimeters dilated when I was admitted. I was on an IV of magnesium sulfate the entire time to stop the contraction. I slowed them a lot but never completely stopped them. Our goal was to get to 28 weeks which would have been May 21. My doctors office was down the hall from my room so I had sonograms every few days. For the most part things were always bad. We were hanging on day by day. When things were really bad, he would put me on an oral medication called Indosin. It worked great, but is only used for 48 hours then you have wait a week a think before you can take it again. It tends to decrease amniotic fluid so it can't be used for long. About a week before the boys were born our doctor talked to us about extending the use of the Indosin. In Europe it's used for up to a week and we were to th point were the risks of lower amniotic fluid was less than the risk of them being born. We asked him what the longest he'd ever used it was and he said 48 hours. We decided to try it and I took it for 5 days with no problems.
The day before they were born we had a sonogram and had our first good news. Baby A was transverse so there was no pressure on my cervix. The doctor said if I made it through the next twenty four hours he thought we'd be in good shape. I knew when we left the office, I was done. All afternoon I felt like something was wrong, but I wasn't having any contractions and everything looked good. I was moved to a different room that day with different nurses which made me a little nervous. That night I had five contractions I could actually feel. They upped my magnesium and at 5am the resident came to see me. He freaked because I was 5 cen dilated, but I'd been 4 for 3 weeks so I wasn't too worried. The did a quick sonogram and both boys were breach so they said I'd have a C-section if I delivered. They moved me to Labor & Delivery and I called my husband. They gave me a double dose of Indosin which makes me really sleepy. My doctor called about 7:30. At that time everything was good. The contractions had stopped completely. He said he'd see me later and to go back to sleep. He came in at 9:30. Rick said as soon as he started to examine me he could tell from the look on his face something was wrong. I was 8 1/2 cen dilated and because of Baby A's position there was a danger of a prolapsed cord so he said I needed an immediate C-section. Rick called my mom who was home and paged his brother to call his mother because she was out of town about an hour and half away. There was some discussion of knocking me out if they couldn't get a spinal fast enough and Rick would be allowed in the room, but they got the spinal without any problems.
I was too sleepy from the Indosin to be scared even though I should have been. I remember my doctor coming in, but he never said anything which was unusual for him. I know must people say they feel tugging or pulling during a C-section, but I felt absolutely nothing. I didn't know they had started until they held up Baby A. I got to see his face briefly before they started working on him. After they were done working on Baby B they let me kiss him on the cheek before the took them away. All I ever saw were their faces and I had no concept of how small they were.
We had been waiting until I reached 28 weeks to name them. We had it narrowed down to Aidan, Christian, Kieran, and Nathan and to 4 combinations of the names. I told Rick in the delivery room that Baby A looked like an Aidan, but I wanted him to name Baby B. On the way to the recovery room I saw my mom and grandma were there. They had been able to see the boys on the way to the NICU and told me they were beautiful. We didn't tell anyone Aidan's name because we didn't have the other one yet. I insisted Rick choice because I knew he wanted Kieran, but since it was an unusual name and he normally liked more traditional names I needed it to be his decision. Shortly after I was taken to recovery we officially named them Aidan Richard and Kieran Richard.
They told us they weighed 1lb 13oz and 1lb 15oz. We were a bit shocked because we expected them to be over 2lbs, but premmie weights are hard to estimate because it's based largely on head size and their heads are disproportionately large. I'm not sure how long I was in recovery, but they took us to see them on the way to my room. They wheeled my bed between their warmers. Obviously they were very small and they had IV's and monitors, but I thought they were perfect. At that moment they were exactly what I thought I baby should look like.
The rest of the day is a bit of a blur. I had some problems with my IV and pain medication which made for some less then fun moments. I was able to see them briefly two more times. There were several family members who came to see them. Other than the initial call we didn't call anyone, but let our family inform each other. We emailed our friends instead of calling. It was awkward. People don't know if they should say congratulations or I'm sorry. How do you tell people your children were born but you don't know if they will survive? The birth of a child should always be a joy and a celebration. And obviously in most ways for us it was, but it was in essence a failure. We didn't have the normal bonding moments or first day pictures taken with us or their grandparents. Instead we had polaroids sent from the NICU and instructions not to touch them except lightly on their heads or buts because they nervous systems were too underdeveoped to handle stimulation. But there were gifts that day too. My grandmother being there is very special because she died unexpectedly 4 month later.
I learned a lot that day. I learned an amazing amount about love and what my love for my children was based on. I learned that fear can be turned to silence and sometimes the most important words are the ones we never say. Rick and I never asked if they boys might die. If we didn't voice that fear we didn't have to acknowledge it. I learned the power of naming and how it gave the boys their individuality. I felt like a mother for the first time that day.
We still don't know what the effects of that day will be. Aidan and Kieran have some delays, but we won't know probably for years how serious they will be. My promise to them is to love them unconditionally for who they are not who I might have imagined them to be or who they could have been. They are happy, healthy, beautiful, and loving. I can't ask for more than that.
Aidan and Kieran you are the light of my life. I love you more than you will ever know.
