Babies Really Do Change Everything
May. 17th, 2005 04:17 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jule1122I keep reading entries where people apologize for not posting as much. I feel like I should apologize for posting as much as I have recently. Three times in a month isn't a lot, but for me it is and I feel bad boring you with my life. But since I seem to have a permanent case of writer's block I feel the need to use this journal for something. I'll keep most of my ramblings behind a cut, and as always feel free to skip the whole thing.
My beautiful babies are two years old today! I can't believe it's been that long. At the same time it's hard to remember the frail little creatures they started out as. I couldn't have imagined two years later I would have such healthy, active children. They are such miracles and absolutely the loves of my life.
The day they were born was so surreal. I had my first good sonogram the day before. My doctor said if I made it through the next 24 hours we'd be in good shape. He cursed me. I had more contractions than normal that night and the moved me to labor and delivery at 6am. The resident was freaked because I was dilated 5 cm, but I'd been 4cm for a month so I wasn't very worried. My doctor called at 7 by then the contractions had stopped with the help of a double dose of drugs. Said he'd be in later but everything sounded fine. When he got there at 9:30 Rick and I were both asleep. Rick said he knew by the look on his face when he examined me that something was wrong. He told me I was 8 1/2cm and we were having the babies that day. Right away because he was worried about Baby A's cord. I was a little spacey from the drugs and never really questioned anything. There was some concern there would be no time for a spinal, but there was. Less than an hour after my doctor got there Aidan was born. I had a C-section and hadn't even realized they had started. Kieran was born 2 minutes later. We were shocked at how small they were only 1lb 13oz and 1lb 15oz.
It was nothing like what you dream about when you find out you are pregnant. I only saw them twice that day each time for a few minutes. We couldn't hold them or really even touch them. The were on a ventilator and had IVs, monitors etc. But they were ours and we loved them. One of the best things about that day is that my grandmother was there. She died 4 months later so it means a lot that she was able to see them right away. Other than immediate family we didn't call anyone. Instead we emailed our friends and left family to contact each other. It was an awkward situation. People aren't sure if they should say "congratulations" or "I'm sorry." We thought the boys were beautiful so it was hard to see how other people reacted to them.
The next few months were hard. Overall the boys did much better than expected and we know we were extremely lucky. Two babies died while they were in the hospital. But dong well in the NICU still means a lot of bad days and set backs. It's funny sometimes I think those days were defined by what we didn't say. The first few days and weeks are the most important so every test takes on such importance. But we never asked about odds after they were born. We never said aloud that they might not survive. But we'd watch the ventilator and count how many breaths they took on their own and will them to keep their heart rates up.
We all made it through and 9 weeks later we left the hospital with 2 mostly healthy babies. Then I found out what it really meant to have twins. The last two years have been crazy, fun, scary, and seriously lacking in sleep, but I wouldn't change any of it.
Sometimes people talk about what kind of parent they will be or they wonder if they would make a good mother. One thing I've learned is parenting is shaped by experience. I am not the mother I thought I would be, but I am Aidan and Kieran's mother. I am not the mother I would have been if it hadn't taken 5 years and 4 in vitro treatments for me to get pregnant. I am not the mother I would be if I had one baby or girls or a boy and a girl. I am certainly not the mother I would be if the boys had been born healthy. I am not a better or worse mother just different. I am the mother that my experience taught me to be. I spoil my kids a bit because I know how lucky I am to have them. When they were younger I never wanted them to cry. People told me I held them too much, but they weren't haunted by the times they cried and I wasn't there or even when I was I couldn't hold them. At the same time I had to learn that I couldn't always make both of them happy. I am way more laid back than I thought I'd be. I don't worry about milestones as long as they stay in the normal range. It wouldn't matter in the long run when exactly they sat up or started walking. On the other hand, the key to coming home from the hospital was how much they ate so I still obsess about them drinking enough milk.
As much as I am responsible for them being here, Aidan and Kieran have shaped the mother I have become. They are happy, affectionate children. They know they are loved and that is the most important thing. I am privileged to watch them grow. Seeing them change each day is amazing. I am Aidan and Kieran's mother something I am thankful for everyday but especially today.
My beautiful babies are two years old today! I can't believe it's been that long. At the same time it's hard to remember the frail little creatures they started out as. I couldn't have imagined two years later I would have such healthy, active children. They are such miracles and absolutely the loves of my life.
The day they were born was so surreal. I had my first good sonogram the day before. My doctor said if I made it through the next 24 hours we'd be in good shape. He cursed me. I had more contractions than normal that night and the moved me to labor and delivery at 6am. The resident was freaked because I was dilated 5 cm, but I'd been 4cm for a month so I wasn't very worried. My doctor called at 7 by then the contractions had stopped with the help of a double dose of drugs. Said he'd be in later but everything sounded fine. When he got there at 9:30 Rick and I were both asleep. Rick said he knew by the look on his face when he examined me that something was wrong. He told me I was 8 1/2cm and we were having the babies that day. Right away because he was worried about Baby A's cord. I was a little spacey from the drugs and never really questioned anything. There was some concern there would be no time for a spinal, but there was. Less than an hour after my doctor got there Aidan was born. I had a C-section and hadn't even realized they had started. Kieran was born 2 minutes later. We were shocked at how small they were only 1lb 13oz and 1lb 15oz.
It was nothing like what you dream about when you find out you are pregnant. I only saw them twice that day each time for a few minutes. We couldn't hold them or really even touch them. The were on a ventilator and had IVs, monitors etc. But they were ours and we loved them. One of the best things about that day is that my grandmother was there. She died 4 months later so it means a lot that she was able to see them right away. Other than immediate family we didn't call anyone. Instead we emailed our friends and left family to contact each other. It was an awkward situation. People aren't sure if they should say "congratulations" or "I'm sorry." We thought the boys were beautiful so it was hard to see how other people reacted to them.
The next few months were hard. Overall the boys did much better than expected and we know we were extremely lucky. Two babies died while they were in the hospital. But dong well in the NICU still means a lot of bad days and set backs. It's funny sometimes I think those days were defined by what we didn't say. The first few days and weeks are the most important so every test takes on such importance. But we never asked about odds after they were born. We never said aloud that they might not survive. But we'd watch the ventilator and count how many breaths they took on their own and will them to keep their heart rates up.
We all made it through and 9 weeks later we left the hospital with 2 mostly healthy babies. Then I found out what it really meant to have twins. The last two years have been crazy, fun, scary, and seriously lacking in sleep, but I wouldn't change any of it.
Sometimes people talk about what kind of parent they will be or they wonder if they would make a good mother. One thing I've learned is parenting is shaped by experience. I am not the mother I thought I would be, but I am Aidan and Kieran's mother. I am not the mother I would have been if it hadn't taken 5 years and 4 in vitro treatments for me to get pregnant. I am not the mother I would be if I had one baby or girls or a boy and a girl. I am certainly not the mother I would be if the boys had been born healthy. I am not a better or worse mother just different. I am the mother that my experience taught me to be. I spoil my kids a bit because I know how lucky I am to have them. When they were younger I never wanted them to cry. People told me I held them too much, but they weren't haunted by the times they cried and I wasn't there or even when I was I couldn't hold them. At the same time I had to learn that I couldn't always make both of them happy. I am way more laid back than I thought I'd be. I don't worry about milestones as long as they stay in the normal range. It wouldn't matter in the long run when exactly they sat up or started walking. On the other hand, the key to coming home from the hospital was how much they ate so I still obsess about them drinking enough milk.
As much as I am responsible for them being here, Aidan and Kieran have shaped the mother I have become. They are happy, affectionate children. They know they are loved and that is the most important thing. I am privileged to watch them grow. Seeing them change each day is amazing. I am Aidan and Kieran's mother something I am thankful for everyday but especially today.
