Fic: All The Promises We Break (2/2)
Dec. 7th, 2005 03:27 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jule1122Title: All The Promises We Break (2/2)
Author:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
jule1122
Pairing: Viggo/Orlando
Summary: Can what was lost be found again?
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: None
Beta: The amazing and wonderfulmiss_ariel
Credit: Title taken from the lovely U2 song “All I Want Is You.”
Author’s Notes: Takes place in approximately 2010.
“Dad, where are, oh there you are,” Henry rushed into the living room clearly excited about something. “I haven’t been able to get through on the phone so I thought maybe you were in the studio.”
“As you already observed, I’m right here Henry. What’s going on?” He hoped whatever had Henry so flustered was good news. He could use some.
“I have something for you to watch. You won’t believe it.” Henry threw a DVD at him.
Viggo caught the disc, but made no move to do anything with it. He had a sinking feeling he knew exactly what it was, and it was definitely something he didn’t want to talk about with Henry. “It’s not your graduation ceremony is it? I’m crushed you didn’t invite me.” He could only hope the familiar topic would distract Henry.
“This is way better than that, and you’re still not funny. There is girl in one of my classes who wants to be an agent, God only knows why. But she records all those celebrity shows. Orli was on Oprah yesterday, and she gave me her copy. Dad, you won’t believe what he said.”
“I saw it.” There was no point in beating around the bush and letting Henry get more wound up.
“What do you mean you saw it? How did you. . .?” Henry trailed off in confusion.
“Orlando called me after it was taped. He wanted to warn me, give me a chance to lay low for a while. That’s why the phone,” Viggo gestured vaguely in the direction of the turned off phone.
“Then what are you still doing here? Why aren’t you with Orli?”
“Why would I be? Nothing’s changed between us Henry.” This was exactly the conversation he was trying to avoid.
He watched Henry’s expression change from disbelief to anger. “What’s wrong with you? Orli goes on national television and does nothing but talk about how much he loves you, and you’re still sitting here. What are you waiting for - a sign from God?”
Viggo closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose. When he looked up, Henry was still standing there waiting for an answer. “Yes, Orlando talked about the good things he took away from our time together, but that doesn’t mean he still loves me.”
“Fuck, Dad I never thought I’d call you stupid or a coward. But you’re one or both. Orli’s practically begging you for a second chance, and you’re not taking it. Watch the show again, and listen to what he’s really saying, pay attention to how happy he looks when he talks about you. And if you still don’t get it,” Henry shook his head sadly, “then you’re the one who deserves to spend the rest of his life alone.” With one last glare at his father, Henry left as quickly as he’d come in.
Viggo turned the disc over in his hands. Was Henry right? It seemed too much to hope for. The sadness and finality of Orlando’s last letter still echoed in his heart. He couldn’t stop thinking that it had been Orlando’s last letter. Had he been so consumed with the feeling he was losing Orlando all over again that he’d missed the chance Orlando was offering him? As much as he feared disappointment, Viggo had to know. He would listen this time, he would see, and maybe he’d get the miracle he was too afraid to dream of.
Orlando shut the door behind him and collapsed on the couch. He had less then twenty-four hours before his premiere, and he intended to spend as many of them as possible sleeping. He couldn’t wait for the premiere to be over. Then he’d finally have some time to himself to rest, to think, and hopefully finally heal. The last three weeks had been his worst since he lost Viggo. The weeks between taping the show and the air date had been spent warning his family and dealing with the professional fall out.
Robin and his agent had been understandably upset when they found out what he had done. After lecturing him on making career impacting decisions on his own, they devised what they called a survival plan. His face would be on the cover of every magazine, and he’d do interview after interview talking about the difficulty of being a gay star in today’s Hollywood. They wanted him to focus on the revelation of his sexuality and distance him from what they felt was an unhealthy fixation on Viggo. But Orlando couldn’t do any of that. He wasn’t going to become some gay poster boy. And he while he would never exploit his connection to Viggo, it wasn’t something he could deny. He said everything he needed to on Oprah; he saw no reason to talk about any of it again.
It had quickly became apparent he had to find a new management team. The changed coupled with industry reports of Oprah snagging a major exclusive with his interview set off red flags in the press. The tabloids had a field day with rumors although no one guessed the truth. They reported everything from drug use and suicide attempts to a retirement to a Buddhist community to torrid affairs with married female co-stars. The producers of his latest film had been less than thrilled with the rumors or the truth, but had taken the position that any publicity was good publicity.
And if he thought all that was bad, the days since the show actually aired had been pure hell. All requests for interviews had been denied, but anytime he went outside there seemed to reporters and photographers waiting for him. Not to mention a few vocal people who wanted to let him know just how much he disgusted them. He was so tired of saying ‘no comment,’ ducking cameras, and ignoring insults. But the end was in sight. He’d had his last meeting to go over tomorrow’s schedule and the strategy for the actual premiere. He could make it one more day.
A knock on the door startled Orlando out of his thoughts. He wasn’t expecting anyone, but maybe Dom and Billy had made it a day early. The hotel in general and his floor in particular were secure enough that he wasn’t worried about anyone accessing his room without authorization. He flung the door open with a smile only to freeze when he saw Viggo standing in the hallway.
They both stood there, paralyzed, staring at each other until finally Viggo found his voice. “Hello, Orlando.”
Orlando closed his eyes. Hearing his name from Viggo over the phone had been one thing, but in person it was overwhelming. He had to be dreaming. But when he opened his eyes, Viggo was still there looking beautiful and nervous and a little amused. “Viggo, what are you doing here?”
“I came to see you. Can I come in?”
Keeping Viggo in the hallway probably wasn’t the best idea so Orlando stepped back. He watched Viggo toss a bag on one of the chairs, but couldn’t make his brain work enough to even wonder what it meant. “How? Why?” Apparently complete sentences were also beyond his abilities.
Viggo smiled sheepishly, “If you call the right people, beg enough and offer the right bribes, you really can find out anything. It helps that the manager of the hotel is a romantic.”
“Right, well you are hard to resist.” Orlando winced when he realized how that might sound. Viggo sat on the couch and gestured for Orlando to join him. He sat as far from Viggo as he could, and tried to gain some control over the situation. “Can I get you anything to drink? There’s a bar here, or I could order room service.”
“No, I don’t want anything. Orlando, I needed to see you. I need to,” Viggo paused then scanning the room before meeting Orlando’s eyes again. “There’s something I need to ask you.”
“I don’t know why I did it really.” Orlando was up and pacing. He knew whatever Viggo wanted to ask him it wouldn’t be good. If he could just answer first, he wouldn’t have to hear Viggo say it. “I wasn’t planning it, and I’ve already turned down eight million interviews so you don’t have to worry about it happing again. It was just she asked me about Chloe, and I knew what I was supposed to say, really I did, but then I said that thing about being alone. And I just kept talking. Oprah gave me an out. I should have taken it; I know that, but I couldn’t. It felt good to talk about you, about us. But I’m so sorry because it wasn’t fair to you. It wasn’t my secret alone to tell. And I know you must hate me. I mean you came all this way to tell me. It’s not like you could just stop talking to me because how would I know. But you don’t have to yell because I know already how much I fucked up.” Orlando stopped speaking as what little energy he had vanished. He felt old and tired. Keeping his back to Viggo, he closed his eyes and lowered his head. Maybe Viggo would just leave, and they wouldn’t have to have this conversation.
The hand on his arm startled him, and when he looked up, Viggo was standing in front of him. “Orlando, I didn’t come here to yell at you. I admire what you did. I wish I had been as brave as you.” Viggo’s eyes were soft and gentle and made Orlando wish for things he knew he couldn’t have. “What I need to know is if the dream is shared do you still want it?”
“Don’t Viggo, please just don’t. God this is worse than yelling. I knew I shouldn’t have said that, but by then it seemed pointless to lie. I know you don’t want that, and I swear I’ll leave you alone. But this isn’t. . .” This time Viggo’s finger pressed to his lips stopped his speech.
“I would never joke about this Orlando. I would never try to hurt you like that. Being with you again is more than a dream for me. It’s something I never let myself consider. But when I realized what you might be offering, I felt like my heart opened up again. I have to know.”
Orlando wanted to believe him. He wanted to hold Viggo so tightly he could never get away, but it seemed like too much. Miracles like this didn’t happen in real life. “Viggo, how can you say you want that? It’s been six years. You have a life without me.” You’ve loved other people he wanted to say, but that sounded too pathetic.
Viggo smiled looking sure of himself for the first time. He took Orlando’s hands and held them tightly. “Listen to me. Leaving you was the hardest thing I ever did in my life. At the time I felt like I had no choice, that it was best for both of us. It broke my heart to walk away from you. Like you, I’ve spent six years pretending none of it ever happened as though that could keep it from hurting. But I never stopped loving you or feeling like part of me was missing. I don’t want to live the rest of my life that way, I don’t want to spend it without you.”
“Please let this be real Viggo, please.. I am so tired of being alone,” Orlando echoed a phrase from their past needing to be sure they understood each other.
“You don’t have to be Orlando. Never again, I promise.”
“God, Viggo I love you so much. That never changed, but it hurt so much when you were gone.” He wrapped his arms around Viggo. He needed to feel Viggo to know this was real. It seemed like Viggo’s hands running through his hair, up and down his back were the only things keeping him sane. “I want this so much. I want to love you and have you love me again. I don’t want to ever forget that again. And it will be different this time. It will be better this time, I promise.” Orlando wouldn’t let them make the same mistakes again. He knew how amazing it was to get another chance at love, and nothing would take it away again.
Viggo pulled back enough to cradle Orlando’s face in his hands. He kissed his softly again and again. “It will be different this time. I promise too. No more hiding.”
“Not that we have much choice after what I did.”
“It wouldn’t matter, Orlando. We deserve better than loving each other in secret and darkness.” Viggo sat back down on the couch pulling Orlando down to sit between his legs. Orlando settled his back against Viggo’s chest and held Viggo’s hands where they clasped against his chest. He’d always loved sitting like this with Viggo. It made him feel safe and loved.
“So how do we do this?”
He felt Viggo shrug behind him. “We love each other like we always have, but now we get to share that love. We get to share with our friends, and their support will strengthen it. We love each other all the time not just when we are alone. We let our love shine. We safeguard it in the light and let it grow. It won’t ever fade, Orlando, I know this. It will just get stronger and more beautiful with time.”
“Just like you,” Orlando tilted his head back for a slightly awkward kiss. “That sounds wonderful. But it’s tempting to keep you all to myself for a while since I have some time off. Can we go somewhere quiet and get to know each other again?”
“Absolutely, I have plans for you that require plenty of privacy. But first, do you have a date for tomorrow night?”
“You want to go with me?” Orlando asked shocked. The premiere was going to be a media circus. Viggo hated premieres.
“I even brought a suit. Henry picked it out so I think you’ll be impressed.”
“Henry must have changed a lot it you’re letting him pick out your clothes.” For a moment the thought of all the years he and Viggo missed made him sad, but he pushed the feeling away. Viggo was here now, and that was all that mattered. “People will think this has all been a big publicity stunt.” He warned Viggo.
“I don’t care. I want to walk beside you and hold you hand and let everyone see how proud I am of you. Do you want that?”
“Of course I do, but I don’t want you to think you have to prove anything to me. I know you weren’t ashamed of me. I thought all kinds of crazy things for a while, but I know the truth. I know you loved me.” There was no room for guilt between them; Orlando didn’t want the past hanging over them.
“It’s not about that although we will talk about that eventually. This is about finally doing what I’ve always wanted to do. I hated seeing you at premieres alone. I know how would up you get, and I always wanted to be there for you. I hated your fake smiles, but no more of those. You are going to blow people away. They think you’re beautiful now, but they have never seen you in love and being loved. Completely.” The last word was a whisper into his neck that turned into a gentle nuzzle.
“Well everyone better get used to it because they are going to see me like that from now on.” Orlando relaxed completely into Viggo’s embrace, finally back were he belonged.
10 Years Later
“Viggo this is ridiculous,” Orlando shouted down the stairs as he passed them. “How do you lose a signed contract?”
“It’s here somewhere,” Viggo’s answer floated up from below.
“Somewhere has become a relative term. It’s not in the study, we couldn’t be that lucky, so I’m going to look in the bedroom. Why can’t you sign these in your agent’s office like everyone else?”
“I wanted to show it to you before I signed it.”
“Viggo, that was a week ago! You should have mailed it the same day.” Orlando loved Viggo to death, but sometimes he was very frustrating.
Orlando opened the bottom drawer of Viggo’s night stand and sighed when he saw the haphazard pile of papers. He pulled them out and sat on the bed to begin sorting. He set aside gallery programs, old grocery lists and Henry’s transcript. Viggo really needed to stop saving everything. The next thing he grabbed was a stack of heavy papers clipped together. His breath caught when he realized they were the letters he’d written to Viggo so long ago.
The top page was wrinkled and tear stained. It had to be the last letter he’d written. Some of those tears were his, it had been so hard to write, but many of them were Viggo’s. God it hurt to think about Viggo reading this and crying, to think about how far they’d been from each other. He meant to set them aside and continue searching for the contract, but he couldn’t stop himself from unclipping them and reading.
Dear Viggo,
I know we had to get here eventually, but I didn’t expect it to be so hard. I didn’t think it would still hurt so much. Guess denial only works for so long. This is my last letter. I’m sure you’re relieved to read that. I want to thank you for being so kind and patient with me. I know this must seem strange-me popping back into you life like this after so long and in such a weird way. Thank you for helping me remember the good things, for not letting regret and distance make me forget how much and how wonderfully you loved me. Our time together was a gift, and I will learn to think of it with joy. But first I have to face this. Please forgive me for making you remember this too. Do you ever think about our last night together?
It was November. I hate that month. We were supposed to have a few days together and then meet up later in the month at Dom’s. I had a few interviews to do while we were together, but most of my time would be spent with you. It had been months since we’d seen each other. We had four or five visits canceled at the last minute because one of us couldn’t make it. It wasn’t a good time. We were both lonely and frustrated, and it had become clear that our relationship would have to remain a secret.
I remember walking into the room and seeing you sitting on the bed. I knew right then what you were going to say. You looked so sad and defeated. I couldn’t remember ever seeing you like that. I sat down and you took my hand so gently you were barely holding it. I spoke first because I couldn’t bear to hear you say it was over. “This isn’t going to work is it?” I asked even though I already knew the answer. You shook your head and stood up. You said you should go, but I grabbed your hand and asked you to stay. I wanted one more night with you. I thought it would help me say goodbye.
I kissed you and try to push you down on the bed. I wanted to devour you. But you stopped me and stroked my hair. You kissed me slowly and set the pace. Instead of devouring we savored. It was an amazing night. We made love for hours. I think it was dawn before either of fell asleep. I remember thinking we were trying to memorize each other’s bodies, trying to give ourselves something to hold on to. It was beautiful and I felt so loved. We were able to push the sadness away for a while. But I knew no matter how tightly you held me, you would be gone when I woke up. I knew because you never said a word to me all night. You always talked to me while we made love. You would tell me how much you loved me, what you were feeling, what you wanted me to feel. I loved the sound of your voice all rough and deep with passion. Sometimes you read me bits of your poems or sang to me. The silence that night was the most horrible thing. It’s how I knew it was over.
I woke up the next morning and went to my interview as if nothing had happened. As if my heart hadn’t been ripped out, as if I hadn’t lost the best thing in my life. I didn’t know what else to do. It hurt too much to feel; it was so much easier to pretend. I didn’t realize I’d be pretending from then on. I wonder what would have happened if I had canceled my interviews. What if I had taken the time to think about what happened? If I let myself feel? Would I have come after you? Would I have fought for us and found a way to make it work? Or would I have shattered into a million pieces? I think that is what I was afraid of, that the pain would be too much. Stupid questions now. Nothing can be changed. I never had a chance to thank you for that night. I’m glad we ended out time together with love instead of tears.
Orlando set the letter down with shaking hands and then pressed his hands to his eyes. He would not cry, not over this not again. It was so long ago; it shouldn’t matter anymore. He and Viggo were happy. They had been back together for over ten years. That night shouldn’t have so much power to hurt him anymore. He opened his eyes and started reading again.
Dear Viggo,
I hope you know I’m not trying to hurt you or work my way back into your life. I need your help with this and then I promise to leave you alone. It’s just when we broke up, I had to keep going as if it never happened. As far as everyone else was concerned, nothing had happened. I couldn’t be upset at ending a relationship that never existed. So the only way I could handle it was to forget all of it. I don’t want to do that. I don’t the one time I was truly loved to be erased from my history. What is that they say about not being able to go forward until you look back? I guess I’m finally looking back and letting myself mourn for what I lost. Six years too late I know. How pathetic is that? I hope you understand.
Do you remember the night you told me you loved me for the first time? It was the happiest night of my life. I’d never felt anything like it. Still haven’t. I had told you that first night, but it was a few weeks before you said it to me. Sometimes I felt like I was dragging you along with me. Like I’d caught you in a vulnerable moment and just never let go. Anyway, back to that night. Of course you couldn’t just tell me like a normal person.
It was one of those days were everything had gone wrong. I’d blown more scenes than I could count, the weather had been horrible, my contacts had given me more problems than normal, and my back had ached all day. I remember being on set wanting so desperately to feel your arms around me, but of course that couldn’t happen. That night we were back at your place going over some Elvish for a scene we were filming the next day. By that point I could barely speak English let alone Elvish.
I struggled through another line and just lost it. It was like every bad thing that had happened that day hit me at once. I started going on about how stupid I was, how I was going to ruin the movie with the worst Legolas imaginable, how Pete was going to have to find someone to say my lines and then dub them in. I heard you shout my name, and I think it was the third or fourth time. I remember you looked as frustrated as I felt. And then you said, “Enough of this Orlando. You know better than that. If I didn’t love you so much, I’d tell you to take your pity party somewhere else.”
That was it. No romantic declaration, but to me it was perfect. I just froze when I realized what you had said. It was like everything clicked into place. I could see it in you eyes, and I realized it had been there for a while in the way you looked at me, the way you touched me. But to hear you say, to know that you knew I had never been happier. I felt whole and complete for the first time. All the tensions of the day just disappeared. I felt like I could do anything. It was such an amazing feeling to know I finally knew where I belonged. I knew I belonged with you, but know I knew you wanted it too, that you belonged to me as well. So much power those words have.
I flung myself at you, and there was no more Elvish practice that night. That was the first night I felt like we really made love. Not that what we had done before was just sex. But I always held myself back a little bit, afraid of revealing too much and scaring you off. That night I felt so free. I wasn’t afraid anymore, and I could show you how much I loved you. I don’t think we ever let another day pass without telling each other. When we were apart, I used to live for those words even if they were in a message. But there was nothing in the world like looking in your eyes when you told me you loved me. Best feeling in the world.
I can still hear it so clearly in my head. It’s hard to believe it’s been six years since you said it to me. I hope you have people who tell you they love you every day. I hope you have love in your life. I really do. Because more than anyone I know you, deserve to be loved. And someone should have the privilege of being loved by you. It’s nice to remember how it felt when you loved me, but I can’t escape the hole that loss had left in my life. I guess I have to face the pain if I want the good memories too. And this is one of my best memories.
Orlando smiled a little. He could still remember that night perfectly. And he and Viggo still told each other they loved each other every day. And they almost always said it in person. One more letter to go.
Dear Viggo,
I know this is going to sound crazy, but neither of us ever had much of a claim to sanity. I’ve been thinking about us a lot lately. And I’m starting to wonder if it really happened or if it was all a dream, a fantasy I can’t let go of. Sounds completely daft I know. I couldn’t have imagined all of it. I still have pictures of us even though I haven’t looked at them in years. I guess I want to know that I’m not alone in my memories. There is no one I can turn to but you. I hope you will forgive me.
Do you remember the night we got together. It was just after Henry’s first visit. I was worried about how you would take his leaving. You had been so happy during his visit; I knew it would be hard for you to say goodbye. I was already in love with you before Henry came, but I didn’t want you to know. How could I not love you? You were the most amazing man I’d ever met. You were beautiful and brilliant. So talented, but so humble and kind. You always had time for me, always made me feel as though I mattered to you. I knew I would be a better actor and a better person for knowing you. I remember how seeing you with Henry made me love you even more. It gave me a chance to see what you were like with people you loved and imagine what it would be like to be part of your family. It seemed like too good of a dream to ever come true so I was content to be your friend.
The night Henry left I called your house several times, but you never answered. I was going to look for you when I found you sitting on the beach by my place. I sat down next to you, and I could tell by how cold you felt that you’d been there for a while. I could see where tears had tried on your face. I hated to see you like that. I put my arm around you, and you leaned into me. I wanted to hold you until I could force all the sadness out of you.
I remember telling you it was okay to miss him. You shook your head and told me it was much more than that. You told me about how you questioned your abilities as a father. How you made choices that separated you from Henry for months and you worried one day he’d come to resent the time you’d spent away from him. I told you about my own fathers then, and how seeing you with Henry made me realize what a father should be. I told you how obvious it was to everyone, Henry included, that you loved him. I reminded you that even though you and Henry were far apart, you talked to him all the time and stayed involved in his life. It was the interest you showed in him not proximity that made you a good father.
You hugged me and thanked me for being such a good friend, but I could tell there was something else bothering you. I asked you a few times before you finally told me. You said Henry leaving hade made you feel alone. And that you’d realized that you’d moved halfway around the world and other than Henry there was no one to notice. You said being away from your life made you see how empty it had become. You said you’d let the travel acting entailed and the solitary nature of your other interests keep you from having relationships. Then you turned to me and you looked so tired and so sad, and you said, “I’m so tired of being alone.”
I still don’t know where I got the courage. I guess I wasn’t thinking; I just knew I couldn’t let you feel that way. I said, “You don’t have to be.” And then I kissed you. I couldn’t have been more surprised when you kissed me back. We stayed out there a long time kissing and holding each other. You told me you didn’t feel alone when you were with me, but you never thought I would be interested in you. I told you you were a stupid wanker if you’d missed the fact that I was in love with you. Then I told you much you meant to me, how I felt connected to you in a way I never expected. Then we went back to my house and spent out first night together. It was better than I’d ever imagined, and I imagined a lot.
So that’s how we began. It’s seems like such a long time ago, and I guess it was. I hardly recognize the person I was then. But I know I was the luckiest person alive to have you love me back. Do you remember that night, Viggo? Do you remember us? I think what we had was too special to be forgotten so I won’t let that happen again. I hope you understand why I’m doing this. I hope you won’t be angry with me. If this hurts you, I’m more sorry than you can imagine.
“Orlando,” Viggo called again as he headed up the stairs. So far Orlando hadn’t answered him. “I found the contract. You can stop looking. You won’t believe where it was.” He paused in the doorway of the bedroom where he found Orlando sitting on the bed surrounded by papers.
Orlando looked up at him, tears shining in his eyes. Viggo immediately crossed the room and knelt in front of his lover. “Hey,” he said softly. “What’s wrong? Are you all right?” He couldn’t imagine what would have upset Orlando, but something obviously had.
“You kept them,” Orlando said with a shaky smile. He held out the papers he’d been looking at.
Viggo’s heart skipped a beat when he saw what Orlando was holding. “Of course I kept them. They are precious to me just like you are. If you hadn’t been brave enough to write these, to reach out to me after all those years I don’t know where we would be. I will always cherish these letters.” Even now Orlando’s courage astounded him. He knew he never would have taken the risk of contacting Orlando. He set the rest of the papers on the floor and joined Orlando on the bed. He needed to hold him.
Orlando moved quickly into his embrace. “But you answered me, Viggo. You let me see what you were feeling when you could have easily ignored me or even sent the letters back. You gave me that chance.” Orlando sniffed and traced a finger along the letter he was holding. “Did you ever think it was strange that I, who wasn’t even patient enough to write emails, was sending you letters, and you, Mr. Poet, were leaving me messages on my phone?”
Viggo had never really thought about that. “I don’t think I would have been able to write to you. The act of writing the words, of seeing them on paper would have made it too real. It would have made it all permanent in some way I couldn’t face.”
“That makes sense. I don’t think I could have said any of it out loud. If I tried to say it, the words would have stuck in my throat. I would have been a sobbing mess on the phone trying to make the words come out of my mouth.” Orlando kissed him briefly then looked at him thoughtfully. “Is that why you never wrote about me after? I kept up with your work, and it was as if I’d never been in your life.”
Viggo smiled at the slight blush on Orlando’s face, but sobered when he tried to think of how to answer. “Yeah, I just couldn’t do it. I tried because I’ve always worked through my feeling by writing or even painting. But any time I tried to write about you, about us I ended up staring at a blank page frustrated and paralyzed. I’ve certainly made up for it since.”
That got a laugh out of Orlando. “I’m sure there are people out there who wish you find another inspiration.”
“Well they are out of luck. You’re it for me.” Viggo ran his hand along Orlando’s arms, felt him relaxing more and more. He leaned down and kissed his neck before asking, “I don’t think you ever told me what made you write to me in the first place. Why did you start thinking about us again?” Viggo had always wondered, but at first he’d been almost afraid to ask. Later, it didn’t seem to matter anymore.
Orlando pulled back and shifted so he was facing Viggo. “‘Much that once was is lost. For none now live that remember it. Some things that should not have been forgotten were lost. History became legend. Legend became myth.’” Orlando quoted to him in a voice similar to Legolas’s. “I was watching the movies with Billy and Dom and suddenly I knew Galadriel was speaking to me. I knew those words were meant for me to hear. It was as if they were a warning.”
“Maybe she was,” Viggo answered softly awed by how those movies had touched their lives. How they had brought him and Orlando together twice now. They would have to thank Peter and Fran again the next time they saw them.
“Elves are very wise you know,” Orlando said the twinkle back in his eyes.
Viggo leaned forward and kissed him. He could never resist Orlando, and he needed to touch him, to erase the shadow their separation left behind. “And very beautiful,” he said running his hand down the side of Orlando’s face before kissing him again.
Orlando lay down on the bed pulling Viggo down over him. “Whisper to me in Elvish,” he breathed against Viggo’s ear.
Viggo felt a shudder run thorough his body at the request. He pulled Orlando to him tightly. “Anything for you Melethen”
Author:
jule1122Pairing: Viggo/Orlando
Summary: Can what was lost be found again?
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: None
Beta: The amazing and wonderful
miss_arielCredit: Title taken from the lovely U2 song “All I Want Is You.”
Author’s Notes: Takes place in approximately 2010.
“Dad, where are, oh there you are,” Henry rushed into the living room clearly excited about something. “I haven’t been able to get through on the phone so I thought maybe you were in the studio.”
“As you already observed, I’m right here Henry. What’s going on?” He hoped whatever had Henry so flustered was good news. He could use some.
“I have something for you to watch. You won’t believe it.” Henry threw a DVD at him.
Viggo caught the disc, but made no move to do anything with it. He had a sinking feeling he knew exactly what it was, and it was definitely something he didn’t want to talk about with Henry. “It’s not your graduation ceremony is it? I’m crushed you didn’t invite me.” He could only hope the familiar topic would distract Henry.
“This is way better than that, and you’re still not funny. There is girl in one of my classes who wants to be an agent, God only knows why. But she records all those celebrity shows. Orli was on Oprah yesterday, and she gave me her copy. Dad, you won’t believe what he said.”
“I saw it.” There was no point in beating around the bush and letting Henry get more wound up.
“What do you mean you saw it? How did you. . .?” Henry trailed off in confusion.
“Orlando called me after it was taped. He wanted to warn me, give me a chance to lay low for a while. That’s why the phone,” Viggo gestured vaguely in the direction of the turned off phone.
“Then what are you still doing here? Why aren’t you with Orli?”
“Why would I be? Nothing’s changed between us Henry.” This was exactly the conversation he was trying to avoid.
He watched Henry’s expression change from disbelief to anger. “What’s wrong with you? Orli goes on national television and does nothing but talk about how much he loves you, and you’re still sitting here. What are you waiting for - a sign from God?”
Viggo closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose. When he looked up, Henry was still standing there waiting for an answer. “Yes, Orlando talked about the good things he took away from our time together, but that doesn’t mean he still loves me.”
“Fuck, Dad I never thought I’d call you stupid or a coward. But you’re one or both. Orli’s practically begging you for a second chance, and you’re not taking it. Watch the show again, and listen to what he’s really saying, pay attention to how happy he looks when he talks about you. And if you still don’t get it,” Henry shook his head sadly, “then you’re the one who deserves to spend the rest of his life alone.” With one last glare at his father, Henry left as quickly as he’d come in.
Viggo turned the disc over in his hands. Was Henry right? It seemed too much to hope for. The sadness and finality of Orlando’s last letter still echoed in his heart. He couldn’t stop thinking that it had been Orlando’s last letter. Had he been so consumed with the feeling he was losing Orlando all over again that he’d missed the chance Orlando was offering him? As much as he feared disappointment, Viggo had to know. He would listen this time, he would see, and maybe he’d get the miracle he was too afraid to dream of.
Orlando shut the door behind him and collapsed on the couch. He had less then twenty-four hours before his premiere, and he intended to spend as many of them as possible sleeping. He couldn’t wait for the premiere to be over. Then he’d finally have some time to himself to rest, to think, and hopefully finally heal. The last three weeks had been his worst since he lost Viggo. The weeks between taping the show and the air date had been spent warning his family and dealing with the professional fall out.
Robin and his agent had been understandably upset when they found out what he had done. After lecturing him on making career impacting decisions on his own, they devised what they called a survival plan. His face would be on the cover of every magazine, and he’d do interview after interview talking about the difficulty of being a gay star in today’s Hollywood. They wanted him to focus on the revelation of his sexuality and distance him from what they felt was an unhealthy fixation on Viggo. But Orlando couldn’t do any of that. He wasn’t going to become some gay poster boy. And he while he would never exploit his connection to Viggo, it wasn’t something he could deny. He said everything he needed to on Oprah; he saw no reason to talk about any of it again.
It had quickly became apparent he had to find a new management team. The changed coupled with industry reports of Oprah snagging a major exclusive with his interview set off red flags in the press. The tabloids had a field day with rumors although no one guessed the truth. They reported everything from drug use and suicide attempts to a retirement to a Buddhist community to torrid affairs with married female co-stars. The producers of his latest film had been less than thrilled with the rumors or the truth, but had taken the position that any publicity was good publicity.
And if he thought all that was bad, the days since the show actually aired had been pure hell. All requests for interviews had been denied, but anytime he went outside there seemed to reporters and photographers waiting for him. Not to mention a few vocal people who wanted to let him know just how much he disgusted them. He was so tired of saying ‘no comment,’ ducking cameras, and ignoring insults. But the end was in sight. He’d had his last meeting to go over tomorrow’s schedule and the strategy for the actual premiere. He could make it one more day.
A knock on the door startled Orlando out of his thoughts. He wasn’t expecting anyone, but maybe Dom and Billy had made it a day early. The hotel in general and his floor in particular were secure enough that he wasn’t worried about anyone accessing his room without authorization. He flung the door open with a smile only to freeze when he saw Viggo standing in the hallway.
They both stood there, paralyzed, staring at each other until finally Viggo found his voice. “Hello, Orlando.”
Orlando closed his eyes. Hearing his name from Viggo over the phone had been one thing, but in person it was overwhelming. He had to be dreaming. But when he opened his eyes, Viggo was still there looking beautiful and nervous and a little amused. “Viggo, what are you doing here?”
“I came to see you. Can I come in?”
Keeping Viggo in the hallway probably wasn’t the best idea so Orlando stepped back. He watched Viggo toss a bag on one of the chairs, but couldn’t make his brain work enough to even wonder what it meant. “How? Why?” Apparently complete sentences were also beyond his abilities.
Viggo smiled sheepishly, “If you call the right people, beg enough and offer the right bribes, you really can find out anything. It helps that the manager of the hotel is a romantic.”
“Right, well you are hard to resist.” Orlando winced when he realized how that might sound. Viggo sat on the couch and gestured for Orlando to join him. He sat as far from Viggo as he could, and tried to gain some control over the situation. “Can I get you anything to drink? There’s a bar here, or I could order room service.”
“No, I don’t want anything. Orlando, I needed to see you. I need to,” Viggo paused then scanning the room before meeting Orlando’s eyes again. “There’s something I need to ask you.”
“I don’t know why I did it really.” Orlando was up and pacing. He knew whatever Viggo wanted to ask him it wouldn’t be good. If he could just answer first, he wouldn’t have to hear Viggo say it. “I wasn’t planning it, and I’ve already turned down eight million interviews so you don’t have to worry about it happing again. It was just she asked me about Chloe, and I knew what I was supposed to say, really I did, but then I said that thing about being alone. And I just kept talking. Oprah gave me an out. I should have taken it; I know that, but I couldn’t. It felt good to talk about you, about us. But I’m so sorry because it wasn’t fair to you. It wasn’t my secret alone to tell. And I know you must hate me. I mean you came all this way to tell me. It’s not like you could just stop talking to me because how would I know. But you don’t have to yell because I know already how much I fucked up.” Orlando stopped speaking as what little energy he had vanished. He felt old and tired. Keeping his back to Viggo, he closed his eyes and lowered his head. Maybe Viggo would just leave, and they wouldn’t have to have this conversation.
The hand on his arm startled him, and when he looked up, Viggo was standing in front of him. “Orlando, I didn’t come here to yell at you. I admire what you did. I wish I had been as brave as you.” Viggo’s eyes were soft and gentle and made Orlando wish for things he knew he couldn’t have. “What I need to know is if the dream is shared do you still want it?”
“Don’t Viggo, please just don’t. God this is worse than yelling. I knew I shouldn’t have said that, but by then it seemed pointless to lie. I know you don’t want that, and I swear I’ll leave you alone. But this isn’t. . .” This time Viggo’s finger pressed to his lips stopped his speech.
“I would never joke about this Orlando. I would never try to hurt you like that. Being with you again is more than a dream for me. It’s something I never let myself consider. But when I realized what you might be offering, I felt like my heart opened up again. I have to know.”
Orlando wanted to believe him. He wanted to hold Viggo so tightly he could never get away, but it seemed like too much. Miracles like this didn’t happen in real life. “Viggo, how can you say you want that? It’s been six years. You have a life without me.” You’ve loved other people he wanted to say, but that sounded too pathetic.
Viggo smiled looking sure of himself for the first time. He took Orlando’s hands and held them tightly. “Listen to me. Leaving you was the hardest thing I ever did in my life. At the time I felt like I had no choice, that it was best for both of us. It broke my heart to walk away from you. Like you, I’ve spent six years pretending none of it ever happened as though that could keep it from hurting. But I never stopped loving you or feeling like part of me was missing. I don’t want to live the rest of my life that way, I don’t want to spend it without you.”
“Please let this be real Viggo, please.. I am so tired of being alone,” Orlando echoed a phrase from their past needing to be sure they understood each other.
“You don’t have to be Orlando. Never again, I promise.”
“God, Viggo I love you so much. That never changed, but it hurt so much when you were gone.” He wrapped his arms around Viggo. He needed to feel Viggo to know this was real. It seemed like Viggo’s hands running through his hair, up and down his back were the only things keeping him sane. “I want this so much. I want to love you and have you love me again. I don’t want to ever forget that again. And it will be different this time. It will be better this time, I promise.” Orlando wouldn’t let them make the same mistakes again. He knew how amazing it was to get another chance at love, and nothing would take it away again.
Viggo pulled back enough to cradle Orlando’s face in his hands. He kissed his softly again and again. “It will be different this time. I promise too. No more hiding.”
“Not that we have much choice after what I did.”
“It wouldn’t matter, Orlando. We deserve better than loving each other in secret and darkness.” Viggo sat back down on the couch pulling Orlando down to sit between his legs. Orlando settled his back against Viggo’s chest and held Viggo’s hands where they clasped against his chest. He’d always loved sitting like this with Viggo. It made him feel safe and loved.
“So how do we do this?”
He felt Viggo shrug behind him. “We love each other like we always have, but now we get to share that love. We get to share with our friends, and their support will strengthen it. We love each other all the time not just when we are alone. We let our love shine. We safeguard it in the light and let it grow. It won’t ever fade, Orlando, I know this. It will just get stronger and more beautiful with time.”
“Just like you,” Orlando tilted his head back for a slightly awkward kiss. “That sounds wonderful. But it’s tempting to keep you all to myself for a while since I have some time off. Can we go somewhere quiet and get to know each other again?”
“Absolutely, I have plans for you that require plenty of privacy. But first, do you have a date for tomorrow night?”
“You want to go with me?” Orlando asked shocked. The premiere was going to be a media circus. Viggo hated premieres.
“I even brought a suit. Henry picked it out so I think you’ll be impressed.”
“Henry must have changed a lot it you’re letting him pick out your clothes.” For a moment the thought of all the years he and Viggo missed made him sad, but he pushed the feeling away. Viggo was here now, and that was all that mattered. “People will think this has all been a big publicity stunt.” He warned Viggo.
“I don’t care. I want to walk beside you and hold you hand and let everyone see how proud I am of you. Do you want that?”
“Of course I do, but I don’t want you to think you have to prove anything to me. I know you weren’t ashamed of me. I thought all kinds of crazy things for a while, but I know the truth. I know you loved me.” There was no room for guilt between them; Orlando didn’t want the past hanging over them.
“It’s not about that although we will talk about that eventually. This is about finally doing what I’ve always wanted to do. I hated seeing you at premieres alone. I know how would up you get, and I always wanted to be there for you. I hated your fake smiles, but no more of those. You are going to blow people away. They think you’re beautiful now, but they have never seen you in love and being loved. Completely.” The last word was a whisper into his neck that turned into a gentle nuzzle.
“Well everyone better get used to it because they are going to see me like that from now on.” Orlando relaxed completely into Viggo’s embrace, finally back were he belonged.
10 Years Later
“Viggo this is ridiculous,” Orlando shouted down the stairs as he passed them. “How do you lose a signed contract?”
“It’s here somewhere,” Viggo’s answer floated up from below.
“Somewhere has become a relative term. It’s not in the study, we couldn’t be that lucky, so I’m going to look in the bedroom. Why can’t you sign these in your agent’s office like everyone else?”
“I wanted to show it to you before I signed it.”
“Viggo, that was a week ago! You should have mailed it the same day.” Orlando loved Viggo to death, but sometimes he was very frustrating.
Orlando opened the bottom drawer of Viggo’s night stand and sighed when he saw the haphazard pile of papers. He pulled them out and sat on the bed to begin sorting. He set aside gallery programs, old grocery lists and Henry’s transcript. Viggo really needed to stop saving everything. The next thing he grabbed was a stack of heavy papers clipped together. His breath caught when he realized they were the letters he’d written to Viggo so long ago.
The top page was wrinkled and tear stained. It had to be the last letter he’d written. Some of those tears were his, it had been so hard to write, but many of them were Viggo’s. God it hurt to think about Viggo reading this and crying, to think about how far they’d been from each other. He meant to set them aside and continue searching for the contract, but he couldn’t stop himself from unclipping them and reading.
Dear Viggo,
I know we had to get here eventually, but I didn’t expect it to be so hard. I didn’t think it would still hurt so much. Guess denial only works for so long. This is my last letter. I’m sure you’re relieved to read that. I want to thank you for being so kind and patient with me. I know this must seem strange-me popping back into you life like this after so long and in such a weird way. Thank you for helping me remember the good things, for not letting regret and distance make me forget how much and how wonderfully you loved me. Our time together was a gift, and I will learn to think of it with joy. But first I have to face this. Please forgive me for making you remember this too. Do you ever think about our last night together?
It was November. I hate that month. We were supposed to have a few days together and then meet up later in the month at Dom’s. I had a few interviews to do while we were together, but most of my time would be spent with you. It had been months since we’d seen each other. We had four or five visits canceled at the last minute because one of us couldn’t make it. It wasn’t a good time. We were both lonely and frustrated, and it had become clear that our relationship would have to remain a secret.
I remember walking into the room and seeing you sitting on the bed. I knew right then what you were going to say. You looked so sad and defeated. I couldn’t remember ever seeing you like that. I sat down and you took my hand so gently you were barely holding it. I spoke first because I couldn’t bear to hear you say it was over. “This isn’t going to work is it?” I asked even though I already knew the answer. You shook your head and stood up. You said you should go, but I grabbed your hand and asked you to stay. I wanted one more night with you. I thought it would help me say goodbye.
I kissed you and try to push you down on the bed. I wanted to devour you. But you stopped me and stroked my hair. You kissed me slowly and set the pace. Instead of devouring we savored. It was an amazing night. We made love for hours. I think it was dawn before either of fell asleep. I remember thinking we were trying to memorize each other’s bodies, trying to give ourselves something to hold on to. It was beautiful and I felt so loved. We were able to push the sadness away for a while. But I knew no matter how tightly you held me, you would be gone when I woke up. I knew because you never said a word to me all night. You always talked to me while we made love. You would tell me how much you loved me, what you were feeling, what you wanted me to feel. I loved the sound of your voice all rough and deep with passion. Sometimes you read me bits of your poems or sang to me. The silence that night was the most horrible thing. It’s how I knew it was over.
I woke up the next morning and went to my interview as if nothing had happened. As if my heart hadn’t been ripped out, as if I hadn’t lost the best thing in my life. I didn’t know what else to do. It hurt too much to feel; it was so much easier to pretend. I didn’t realize I’d be pretending from then on. I wonder what would have happened if I had canceled my interviews. What if I had taken the time to think about what happened? If I let myself feel? Would I have come after you? Would I have fought for us and found a way to make it work? Or would I have shattered into a million pieces? I think that is what I was afraid of, that the pain would be too much. Stupid questions now. Nothing can be changed. I never had a chance to thank you for that night. I’m glad we ended out time together with love instead of tears.
Orlando set the letter down with shaking hands and then pressed his hands to his eyes. He would not cry, not over this not again. It was so long ago; it shouldn’t matter anymore. He and Viggo were happy. They had been back together for over ten years. That night shouldn’t have so much power to hurt him anymore. He opened his eyes and started reading again.
Dear Viggo,
I hope you know I’m not trying to hurt you or work my way back into your life. I need your help with this and then I promise to leave you alone. It’s just when we broke up, I had to keep going as if it never happened. As far as everyone else was concerned, nothing had happened. I couldn’t be upset at ending a relationship that never existed. So the only way I could handle it was to forget all of it. I don’t want to do that. I don’t the one time I was truly loved to be erased from my history. What is that they say about not being able to go forward until you look back? I guess I’m finally looking back and letting myself mourn for what I lost. Six years too late I know. How pathetic is that? I hope you understand.
Do you remember the night you told me you loved me for the first time? It was the happiest night of my life. I’d never felt anything like it. Still haven’t. I had told you that first night, but it was a few weeks before you said it to me. Sometimes I felt like I was dragging you along with me. Like I’d caught you in a vulnerable moment and just never let go. Anyway, back to that night. Of course you couldn’t just tell me like a normal person.
It was one of those days were everything had gone wrong. I’d blown more scenes than I could count, the weather had been horrible, my contacts had given me more problems than normal, and my back had ached all day. I remember being on set wanting so desperately to feel your arms around me, but of course that couldn’t happen. That night we were back at your place going over some Elvish for a scene we were filming the next day. By that point I could barely speak English let alone Elvish.
I struggled through another line and just lost it. It was like every bad thing that had happened that day hit me at once. I started going on about how stupid I was, how I was going to ruin the movie with the worst Legolas imaginable, how Pete was going to have to find someone to say my lines and then dub them in. I heard you shout my name, and I think it was the third or fourth time. I remember you looked as frustrated as I felt. And then you said, “Enough of this Orlando. You know better than that. If I didn’t love you so much, I’d tell you to take your pity party somewhere else.”
That was it. No romantic declaration, but to me it was perfect. I just froze when I realized what you had said. It was like everything clicked into place. I could see it in you eyes, and I realized it had been there for a while in the way you looked at me, the way you touched me. But to hear you say, to know that you knew I had never been happier. I felt whole and complete for the first time. All the tensions of the day just disappeared. I felt like I could do anything. It was such an amazing feeling to know I finally knew where I belonged. I knew I belonged with you, but know I knew you wanted it too, that you belonged to me as well. So much power those words have.
I flung myself at you, and there was no more Elvish practice that night. That was the first night I felt like we really made love. Not that what we had done before was just sex. But I always held myself back a little bit, afraid of revealing too much and scaring you off. That night I felt so free. I wasn’t afraid anymore, and I could show you how much I loved you. I don’t think we ever let another day pass without telling each other. When we were apart, I used to live for those words even if they were in a message. But there was nothing in the world like looking in your eyes when you told me you loved me. Best feeling in the world.
I can still hear it so clearly in my head. It’s hard to believe it’s been six years since you said it to me. I hope you have people who tell you they love you every day. I hope you have love in your life. I really do. Because more than anyone I know you, deserve to be loved. And someone should have the privilege of being loved by you. It’s nice to remember how it felt when you loved me, but I can’t escape the hole that loss had left in my life. I guess I have to face the pain if I want the good memories too. And this is one of my best memories.
Orlando smiled a little. He could still remember that night perfectly. And he and Viggo still told each other they loved each other every day. And they almost always said it in person. One more letter to go.
Dear Viggo,
I know this is going to sound crazy, but neither of us ever had much of a claim to sanity. I’ve been thinking about us a lot lately. And I’m starting to wonder if it really happened or if it was all a dream, a fantasy I can’t let go of. Sounds completely daft I know. I couldn’t have imagined all of it. I still have pictures of us even though I haven’t looked at them in years. I guess I want to know that I’m not alone in my memories. There is no one I can turn to but you. I hope you will forgive me.
Do you remember the night we got together. It was just after Henry’s first visit. I was worried about how you would take his leaving. You had been so happy during his visit; I knew it would be hard for you to say goodbye. I was already in love with you before Henry came, but I didn’t want you to know. How could I not love you? You were the most amazing man I’d ever met. You were beautiful and brilliant. So talented, but so humble and kind. You always had time for me, always made me feel as though I mattered to you. I knew I would be a better actor and a better person for knowing you. I remember how seeing you with Henry made me love you even more. It gave me a chance to see what you were like with people you loved and imagine what it would be like to be part of your family. It seemed like too good of a dream to ever come true so I was content to be your friend.
The night Henry left I called your house several times, but you never answered. I was going to look for you when I found you sitting on the beach by my place. I sat down next to you, and I could tell by how cold you felt that you’d been there for a while. I could see where tears had tried on your face. I hated to see you like that. I put my arm around you, and you leaned into me. I wanted to hold you until I could force all the sadness out of you.
I remember telling you it was okay to miss him. You shook your head and told me it was much more than that. You told me about how you questioned your abilities as a father. How you made choices that separated you from Henry for months and you worried one day he’d come to resent the time you’d spent away from him. I told you about my own fathers then, and how seeing you with Henry made me realize what a father should be. I told you how obvious it was to everyone, Henry included, that you loved him. I reminded you that even though you and Henry were far apart, you talked to him all the time and stayed involved in his life. It was the interest you showed in him not proximity that made you a good father.
You hugged me and thanked me for being such a good friend, but I could tell there was something else bothering you. I asked you a few times before you finally told me. You said Henry leaving hade made you feel alone. And that you’d realized that you’d moved halfway around the world and other than Henry there was no one to notice. You said being away from your life made you see how empty it had become. You said you’d let the travel acting entailed and the solitary nature of your other interests keep you from having relationships. Then you turned to me and you looked so tired and so sad, and you said, “I’m so tired of being alone.”
I still don’t know where I got the courage. I guess I wasn’t thinking; I just knew I couldn’t let you feel that way. I said, “You don’t have to be.” And then I kissed you. I couldn’t have been more surprised when you kissed me back. We stayed out there a long time kissing and holding each other. You told me you didn’t feel alone when you were with me, but you never thought I would be interested in you. I told you you were a stupid wanker if you’d missed the fact that I was in love with you. Then I told you much you meant to me, how I felt connected to you in a way I never expected. Then we went back to my house and spent out first night together. It was better than I’d ever imagined, and I imagined a lot.
So that’s how we began. It’s seems like such a long time ago, and I guess it was. I hardly recognize the person I was then. But I know I was the luckiest person alive to have you love me back. Do you remember that night, Viggo? Do you remember us? I think what we had was too special to be forgotten so I won’t let that happen again. I hope you understand why I’m doing this. I hope you won’t be angry with me. If this hurts you, I’m more sorry than you can imagine.
“Orlando,” Viggo called again as he headed up the stairs. So far Orlando hadn’t answered him. “I found the contract. You can stop looking. You won’t believe where it was.” He paused in the doorway of the bedroom where he found Orlando sitting on the bed surrounded by papers.
Orlando looked up at him, tears shining in his eyes. Viggo immediately crossed the room and knelt in front of his lover. “Hey,” he said softly. “What’s wrong? Are you all right?” He couldn’t imagine what would have upset Orlando, but something obviously had.
“You kept them,” Orlando said with a shaky smile. He held out the papers he’d been looking at.
Viggo’s heart skipped a beat when he saw what Orlando was holding. “Of course I kept them. They are precious to me just like you are. If you hadn’t been brave enough to write these, to reach out to me after all those years I don’t know where we would be. I will always cherish these letters.” Even now Orlando’s courage astounded him. He knew he never would have taken the risk of contacting Orlando. He set the rest of the papers on the floor and joined Orlando on the bed. He needed to hold him.
Orlando moved quickly into his embrace. “But you answered me, Viggo. You let me see what you were feeling when you could have easily ignored me or even sent the letters back. You gave me that chance.” Orlando sniffed and traced a finger along the letter he was holding. “Did you ever think it was strange that I, who wasn’t even patient enough to write emails, was sending you letters, and you, Mr. Poet, were leaving me messages on my phone?”
Viggo had never really thought about that. “I don’t think I would have been able to write to you. The act of writing the words, of seeing them on paper would have made it too real. It would have made it all permanent in some way I couldn’t face.”
“That makes sense. I don’t think I could have said any of it out loud. If I tried to say it, the words would have stuck in my throat. I would have been a sobbing mess on the phone trying to make the words come out of my mouth.” Orlando kissed him briefly then looked at him thoughtfully. “Is that why you never wrote about me after? I kept up with your work, and it was as if I’d never been in your life.”
Viggo smiled at the slight blush on Orlando’s face, but sobered when he tried to think of how to answer. “Yeah, I just couldn’t do it. I tried because I’ve always worked through my feeling by writing or even painting. But any time I tried to write about you, about us I ended up staring at a blank page frustrated and paralyzed. I’ve certainly made up for it since.”
That got a laugh out of Orlando. “I’m sure there are people out there who wish you find another inspiration.”
“Well they are out of luck. You’re it for me.” Viggo ran his hand along Orlando’s arms, felt him relaxing more and more. He leaned down and kissed his neck before asking, “I don’t think you ever told me what made you write to me in the first place. Why did you start thinking about us again?” Viggo had always wondered, but at first he’d been almost afraid to ask. Later, it didn’t seem to matter anymore.
Orlando pulled back and shifted so he was facing Viggo. “‘Much that once was is lost. For none now live that remember it. Some things that should not have been forgotten were lost. History became legend. Legend became myth.’” Orlando quoted to him in a voice similar to Legolas’s. “I was watching the movies with Billy and Dom and suddenly I knew Galadriel was speaking to me. I knew those words were meant for me to hear. It was as if they were a warning.”
“Maybe she was,” Viggo answered softly awed by how those movies had touched their lives. How they had brought him and Orlando together twice now. They would have to thank Peter and Fran again the next time they saw them.
“Elves are very wise you know,” Orlando said the twinkle back in his eyes.
Viggo leaned forward and kissed him. He could never resist Orlando, and he needed to touch him, to erase the shadow their separation left behind. “And very beautiful,” he said running his hand down the side of Orlando’s face before kissing him again.
Orlando lay down on the bed pulling Viggo down over him. “Whisper to me in Elvish,” he breathed against Viggo’s ear.
Viggo felt a shudder run thorough his body at the request. He pulled Orlando to him tightly. “Anything for you Melethen”
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AWWWW!
Date: 2005-12-08 06:17 am (UTC)Re: AWWWW!
Date: 2005-12-08 02:54 pm (UTC)